Baby fever!

What makes a person want to become a parent? Are we born with the urge to reproduce or do we have some control over it? Is it different for men than it is for women? Why do some people get “baby fever” while others are perfectly fine without ever having children?

While these questions are certainly interesting, I wouldn’t want to speculate by answering them. Some women will have difficulty articulating why they want to become a parent. “I’ve wanted children forever.” is something many of us say when asked why we want children. The idea of not having children is so foreign to the people that give that answer. They believe their life would be empty, always having a void to fill without children. One thing is for sure, that does not apply to me. As a little girl, I would always say I didn’t want to be a parent. I always thought I wouldn’t be a good mother. I didn’t want any children and I persistently held on to that opinion until I moved out of my parents’ house about 5 years ago. 

If someone were to ask me now, why I so desperately want to be a mom, and why I am so sure being a single parent is what I want to do, I have to give multiple reasons. Some big, some small, but all those reasons play a part in every aspect and layer of this decision. About 99% of the choice is for the reason that I want to educate and influence the next generation, I want to transfer and continue my view on this world. I want my child(ren) to make this world a better place like I try to do every day. I want to teach them morals and respect in the way I see it. The other 1% of the decision is because I want to show everyone there is another way of parenting. And that I, a wheelchair using 23 year old can do it. I can take care of a child. I can do it. I can be a great, awesome, loving parent.

Honestly, I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I am ready and I can do it like I do everything else I’m passionate about in this life I will give parenthood 200% of me. I will give it my all and like all the other passionate decisions I made, I will be great at it. It will be hard, it will be tiring and it will be challenging, I am absolutely sure I will have to push myself mentally and emotionally but it will be worth it. It will be the best and worst time of my life and I will love it. I am ready!

Because my life looks a little different than most single parent life’s I wanted to document and share my experiences to give people an insight in a different way of life and broaden people’s perspective on what I am capable of. So please, enjoy this journey with me. I can promise you it will never be boring! until next time!   ~ Aura

The bold type

Starting next month, I want to make you all part of my journey towards motherhood. So, to start off with, I would like to introduce you to the outrageous person that is me.

 

“You are not your mother, your father, your history, or cultural influences. 

you are uniquely and originally you.

Be bold and daring and fearless and unconventional.

Be willing to use your voice in service of your soul.

Go on. Rock that damn boat

The wave you create might just change the world…”

~ Cheryl Richardson

 

I don’t think I have to tell you my name since it’s splattered all over this blog but to be sure, my name is Aura. I live in the Netherlands in a beautiful two bedroom, wheelchair accessible home with my service dog Aki. I am currently 23 years old and live by the idea that my wheelchair should adapt to my life and not the other way around. So I tend to make choices that are regarded as bold. With my service dog, I chose a breed that has never been used for this purpose before. When I moved out of my parent’s house, I decided to go live somewhere far away from my parents. Living on my own I chose to live a vegan lifestyle. Some of you may wonder if I’m just being difficult for the sake of it. To answer your silent question: no I most certainly am not! I love my life. I am aware it isn’t the path of least resistance. It is the path with the highest reward. I try to live every day in such a way that I never have regrets. Everything I do, I go for with everything I have, win or lose I will know I fought my hardest to reach those lofty goals.

Huge dreams, the long shot, I always go for the long shot. I mean the bigger the risk the higher the rewards, right? So, here we go. On the road to my biggest dream ever, the hardest road I ever traveled, the road to motherhood… And yes, you figured that out perfectly, I am single. So, I choose to become a single mother. I will be a single mother by choice. 

This choice was definitely not made overnight. It took me years, first I had a hard time letting go of the dream of the so-called “perfect family”. The idea formed because I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything when I finally found what I wanted to do with my life. So I passionately started dating, desperately trying to find a partner to form that “perfect family” with. As you might guess, that didn’t work out so well. Lots of heartache later, I decided I didn’t want to be depended on anyone for my happiness. I tried adoption, called the local adoption agency and was discouraged in such an extremely negative way because of my age, single status and the wheelchair, which they were really negative about. I knew that convincing them I can be a good parent would be more than a long shot, It would be impossible. So, I decided this country isn’t ready for a single wheelchair using adopting mother and figured I could do foster-care…

However, I wanted a baby, an infant. Again with the long shot, right? Like with all the choices I make there’s an elaborate reasoning behind it. Single parenthood is hard. It is hard for everyone, almost impossibly hard for someone like me. So I figured a baby is born at a certain stage in its development for a reason, not only for the baby and the delivery but also to give the parents a doable learning curve in how to parent. In my opinion, I need that learning curve physically and emotionally more than anyone. And there’s another reason for the desire to get an infant in foster-care, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle raising more than one child. So, If I’m only going to do this once I want the full journey. But I also really wanted to help a child. In my mind, there are already so many children without parents, the least I could do is give one a loving home. So, I went to the first mandatory meeting, I went by myself (and Aki of course) and people stared at me like I was an animal in a zoo. The hosts working for the agency treated me like I was a child with a cute infatuation. Because of all the research, I did (I have a slight obsession with being prepared) they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Even though I knew they weren’t taking me seriously,  they handed me the forms I needed to fill out at the end of the evening and I left. Excited as I was I filled in the forms the next morning and mailed them. My excitement was short-lived as I a person working for the foster-care agency called me to discuss my application. She said she saw I wanted an infant and that I was using a wheelchair in my daily life, she also said her colleague told her I am “severely disabled” so they were having a hard time with my application. I told her I don’t regard myself as being severely disabled and that she was being unfairly judgemental because she hadn’t even met me yet. The entire conversation was based on a huge prejudice but we decided to continue the discussion further at a later time and I ended the call. To make a long story short, the entire thing became a fight about me, about me right to become a parent, about their prejudices about my abilities. We lost sight of the most important thing, the child. So, a few weeks later when I decided to move house because I and my future child would have better living conditions and I had to start the process all over again with a different agency I chose to go a different route.

I had been playing with this idea for a while, complaining to my best friend that no government agency would question my ability to parent if I just got pregnant, she said: “you don’t need a guy to get pregnant.” and something just clicked. I had researched pregnancy before and it always got my adrenaline pumping. Also when I researched parenting styles and came to The Continuum Concept, everything fell into place for me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to do parenthood the most natural minimalistic way. Breastfeeding, babywearing, elimination communication ánd a home birth. 

 

“Birth is not only about making babies.

Birth is about making mothers;

strong competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”

~ Barbara Katz Rothman

 

So, to conclude, I have decided I want to be a vegan, continuum concept, single wheelchair using mom by choice by a non-anonymous donor. And even though lots of people question my choices on this matter I’m determined to do it. I am sure that I can do it, without a doubt.

I am a woman of the bold type! Welcome to my journey…

 

“To me, freedom means having the power,

the inherent right,

the capacity and the ability to make choices that honor who I am.”

~ Iyanla Vanzant

 

Happy Father’s day!

Happy fathers day everyone!

It is a day that I am reminded to be thankful. Thankful for my dad ànd my mom. Because I have parents who support me, love me and cherish me, I am also reminded that there are many children out there that are alone. No dad, no moms who are also dads. That is a tragedy…

So even if you think you have no dad, you do! Whether you have a mom, who’s also your dad or two moms who are also dads or two dads celebrate this day! Be thankful for the fact that you have a family; it doesn’t matter what that family looks like or if you are family by blood. It is still something to cherish.

So to my family, my mom and dad who supported me through all the hard and challenging times, thank you! Thank you for making me such a resilient young woman, thank you for teaching me to be open-minded, accepting and without prejudice. It wasn’t always easy, but we made it. Thank you for the opportunity to outgrow you. Thank you for letting go and letting me choose my path.

And to my dad, thank you for showing me what a good husband looks like. Thank you for showing me I am worthy of a man’s love. Thank you for showing me what a great dad looks like.

To my mom, thank you for showing me what a genuinely confident, independent woman looks like. Thank you, for being my role model. Thank you for showing me I am also worthy of a woman’s love. Thank you for showing me a breathtaking partnership.

🌈For pride month, let’s all let go of the notion of a perfect family. An ideal family looks different for everyone. Anyone can form a family because love is what makes a family. 🌈

Our Pride Month

It’s June! It’s Pride month. I am currently way behind on blogging. I am way behind in every aspect of my life. I lost my inspiration these last few weeks, but even without proper inspiration, I felt it is necessary for me to address pride month. 

Let me be honest here, I adore everything and anyone that is part of the LBGTQ community! I think everyone should just be more accepting towards the things they see as different than themselves. I mean seriously, do you know how many people say “no, I’m not homophobic, I just don’t want them to be all up in my face about it.” or “No, I don’t mind homosexuals or lesbians, but I do think bisexual people are just faking it.” Sorry!, I’ll stop ranting now. 

I’ve talked about bisexuality on this blog before, so today I want to address transsexuality and transgenderism. I often wonder why there is so much confusion under the cisgender population about genderfluidity and transgenderism. I don’t understand why it matters to anyone but the person in question. I hear so many stories on all media outlets about transgender people being assaulted or bullied. I wonder why… I mean why are some people so offended by transgenders? If young men are harassing a transgender girl for wearing a skirt they are doing that because she is different. She does not fit into a box, so they want to shame her into a box simply because she is different, or at least that is what they want people to think. What they are actually doing is shoving themselves more firmly into the box they believe to be in. I mean, God forbid anyone would think they were different or not so firmly into that “normal, average, straight” box. I don’t blame these boys or girls, I gave a male example here, let us be clear that does not mean girls don’t bully, assault or harass transgenders. But I don’t blame them, it is just ignorance and insecurity they are suffering from. And furthermore, they often are a victim of a gender-specific upbringing. It is something that is thaught to children from the moment they are born, boys act in a certain way and girls act in a certain way. Boys don’t wear dresses, boys don’t wear skirts, and girls wear make-up and play with dolls. Furthermore, girls look beautiful or cute while boys look nice, tough, manly, or cool. Most of the time we don’t even comment on a young boy’s looks or clothes while we almost always do for girls. wether we do it consciously or unconsciously in creates a dived, differences and boxes we should get rid of.

So, for pride month, I call for change. I call for a more genderneutral upbringing of the next generation. An upbringing and education that about all sorts of people, not just the ones that are regarded as normal. No one is normal because everyone is special, special but equal. So we should all teach that to the next generation, there are no boxes because everyone is unique! 

Labels are the opposite of understanding!

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago which reminded me of some frustrating points in the current general opinion.

In this day and age, sex seems to be very important for almost everyone, whether you are young, or old consciously or unconsciously most of us have strong opinions about sexuality. We think we have it all figured out. Society has created these perfect boxes, a typical mold in which every group of people gets their own and should fit in there perfectly. Why is that? Why are people so damn scared of anything or anyone that is different? Why do we feel this incredible urge to label people in the first place? Why is it important what label we can stick to a person? Homosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual, heterosexual.. why can’t we all be sexual beings? Why can’t we evolve to accept that we fall in love not based on gender but based on beauty, personality, physical attraction and emotional connection?

I, myself have a strong preference for men and may never have a relationship with a woman, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t. Does this make me any less bisexual or any more heterosexual? I wouldn’t know. I think it makes me human. Because I am aware I could fall in love with a woman and am sometimes attracted to a woman should I know define myself as bisexual? Am I suddenly a different person? No, I’m still the same person. I’ve always known we are all bisexual in some way, most of us won’t even entertain the possibility and therefore shut it out, living half blind. Because I chose to accept it and consider the possibility am I now a completely different “kind” of human? And furthermore, because I know decide to speak up and broadcast my opinions and preferences does that suddenly make me bisexual? Why define it in the first place? Why does it even matter?

Let’s break the mold and stop trying to fit everyone into one. We are who we are, and no one is the same as either you or me, so how can we expect people to fit into a mold when we are all such unique beings!?

Unnatural non-degradable chemical crap

For the month May, I have decided to participate in the may plastic-free challenge even though I refuse most single-use plastics in my daily life already. I’ll tell you why. I believe it is my obligation to leave this beautiful earth better than the way I found it and I will do everything I can to make sure she survives our egocentrism. It pisses me off like you won’t believe that when I leave my home and take what should be a beautiful walk, I see trash everywhere. Plastic wrap, plastic bottles, caps, bags, cutlery, cigarettes, it is absolutely everywhere. The trash isn’t even where the problem starts, the problem begins when we buy the unnatural non-degradable chemical crap (yes, excuse my French, but I don’t have another word for it).

You see, the problem with plastic is that it does not biodegrade, it just breaks up into micro pieces and leaks chemicals. The microplastics end up being eaten by wildlife, they then die from a stomach full of plastic.
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I fully understand plastic is cheap and easy and everywhere, so hard to refuse but let’s be honest we are just guests here, who are we, such young species to destroy the life that’s been around long before we were, who the hell gave us that right? We should cherish the beautiful, breathtaking earth that gave us life in the first place.

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Okay, so now we are all clear on the fact that we should all stop being so damn selfish and not live like we own the place, let us talk solutions. Walk around your house for me, look at every plastic bottle you have in your kitchen cabinet or in your bathroom drawer, how many of them do you really need? How many of those could’ve been a result of an excellent and cheap DIY or could’ve been bought in a glass bottle instead?

When you go to the supermarket, how many times do you buy a plastic bag? Please, try to bring your own! And now we’re on the subject, in the supermarket, look around, try to become aware of how much plastic you see. Why is there an onion, peeled and wrapped in plastic? An onion has its own peal. It is ridiculous. Let’s make a pact, once you’re in your local grocery store, try to buy your produce without plastic. There will be instances where you don’t have a choice, in that case, buy the product and leave the plastic behind so the store will see you refuse the plastic and they will have to dispose of it.Creatively-Cut-Down-On-Plastic-Pollution-Through-Mindful-Food-Choices 

In the upcoming weeks, I will be showing the steps I take in my home to produce less plastic waste. I hope it will be an eye-opening experience for all of us. I mean these are all simple steps we can take to make this world a better place for the next generation and more importantly to apologize to our fellow earthlings for the damage we have already done. Who are you not to take this change? Who are you to destroy this earth? Who are you to enable other to kill other living beings every single day?

My savior

So, let’s talk Aki, my hero in so many ways. He saved my life in so many ways I thought it was time to share my love and appreciation for this incredible soul that I am blessed to share every aspect of my life with.

About 5 years ago, I was in a dark place. I was bullied by classmates, best friends and people who I was supposed to be able to depend on. I’m not a person that is affected by name calling or physical bullying and abuse but I am a very social person, and I thrive on sociality. Bullies figure out where they can hit you the hardest pretty quickly, so when the name calling and physical bullying was not getting the expected results, they decided to just ignore me. They made most of my time in high school a living nightmare. It was like I was contagious. People only spoke to me out of obligation. I didn’t have any friends or anyone that enjoyed my company. I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. So you can probably understand I was so happy when I graduated high school and could finally leave that place behind me, or at least that’s what I thought. Unfortunately, it was not that easy. Spending a few years in so much mental and emotional pain had taken its toll. Life was a little better, I had some social contacts studying law, but I still felt super lonely and never felt like I belonged. To be brutally honest, I was so depressed I couldn’t see a way out anymore.

Little did I know that seeing a movie would change all of that. I saw the movie Hachiko on tv with my parents, and I was hooked. That dog would’ve gone through fire for his owner, he loved him no matter what. The moment I saw that movie, I knew exactly what I needed; I needed an Akita, to train, to cherish, to spend my life with! However, my parents weren’t the type of people to just by a dog. They didn’t want a pet in the house, not a dog anyway. They perceived dogs as being annoying and badly-behaved, so I did all the research I could possibly find on training, the breed, and bonding. With all that information I went to my parents to make my case, they said no at first, but after lots of discussions, they agreed to buy me an Akita after all. While looking for breeders, I found one not so far from our family home and went for a visit. It seemed like a good fit from my perspective even though they were slightly hesitant because of me being in a wheelchair. But in the end, it didn’t matter.

I got to choose from 5 puppies, which was so hard, I went to visit them every week, held every single one of them. Because I knew I wanted male there were three left for me to chose from. One of them wasn’t for me at all, I knew that rather quickly, but the choice between the last two was a little hard. In the end, I have to say Aki chose me, and I couldn’t have made a better choice, he was so calm and content all the time, just what I needed.

The first few weeks were hard, he was happy spending his life with me, but physically he was not doing so well. He was sick all the time. I knew something was wrong and in the end that gut feeling I had turned out to be correct. After I got him treated and listened to my instincts more, he started thriving, pushing me and enjoying life to the fullest. He thought me what pure happiness looks like. To not worry about the past or the future but just living in the moment and enjoying that. His love for me despite my flaws and imperfections helped me to find the confidence that I lost. He showed me I didn’t need to change for people to like me if they didn’t that know was and is their issue.

He also paved the road to a vegan lifestyle for me. After getting to know him better than I knew myself, I understood that he had such an amazing personality and wasn’t and still isn’t any less worthy then we humans are. So then the question arose: If he is my equal, why aren’t all those other animals that are being slaughtered for my food? After that, I couldn’t come up with a justifiable answer to continue consuming animal products. Human, animal, tree we are not the same, but we are equal.

Aki thaught me that and I am forever grateful that he made me let go of my ego, my shallowness, my prejudice and taught me compassion and empathy instead. It has made me a better person, he has made me a better person. Now I am proud of who I have become and am excited to see what the future holds for the both of us…