A few months ago I had the privilege to meet someone who made my heart beat faster from the moment he walked into the room. For a while, we “found a park bench that fit us perfectly.” We had fun, we learned from each other and thrived in each others company.
When I met the guy in question, I was in an inpatient phase in my life. I was perfectly happy being single but couldn’t wait to start the next period of my life. I felt like life was passing me by, and I lost control over my own future. In my head, my control over life slipped through my fingers like sand on a beach. I started on a journey to become a single mother by choice. I do not want to be depended on the possibility of a relationship to be happy or live the life I want. So, I would’ve been happy staying single for the rest of my life.
I am aware this sounds a little strange to some people but I try to be realistic in every aspect of my life, and I am aware I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. Aside from the fact that I am as crippled as they come, I am also headstrong, vegan, eco-friendly, zero-waster and I have a well of information in my head that causes me to come across as a know-it-all. It’s hard for everyone to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with, but I choose to make it even more difficult, I don’t do this on purpose of course. I tend to prefer the path that makes me happy regardless of how hard that path might be.
Even though I was and still am such a happy single, I keep my options open every day and explore every possibility of meeting that person to spend my life with, regardless of their gender, age or sexual orientation. So I met someone. From the moment I first saw him till the moment, he walked out of my life he made my heart beat faster. When we started dating, he didn’t know what he wanted from life, so I went into the relationship with a completely open mind and without expectations. The only thing I wanted from our time together was to make him happy in every aspect I could, and that may sound desperate or too selfless, but in my opinion, a person can only give love and happiness when they are receiving love and are happy. I started dating this mystery man with the belief and knowledge that if I held on to him and tried to pull him towards me, I would only lose him. The pulling and wanting and needing someone isn’t love, it is just attachment. Like sand, the harder you are trying to hold on to it the more you will lose. But when you cradle and nourish it, then you won’t lose it.
Last week “he” decided he wanted to break up because he still hadn’t figured out what he wanted but he did figure out it wasn’t me. You might think that hurt since I was so invested, loved every second I spent with him and gave it my all but it didn’t! I wasn’t sad or angry when he told me. I only thought it was unfortunate and didn’t like the way he did it over text but striving to be a complete empath I could understand why he did it that way. Like he said himself I am too strong a person for him to be able to tell me such a thing in person. The reasons I have no negative emotions about our breakup is because the time we did spend together was beautiful and like I said earlier I want him to be happy, if that is without me, then that’s fine too.
Of course, he was not the only one that gained something from this hot burning relationship. He taught me so much about myself and self-respect and self-love. They say a look says more than a thousand words, it most definitely did in this case, he showed me I am not only beautiful but attractive and sexy as well. Not only when I put a lot of effort into looking my best, but even when you are at your most vulnerable or just your average self. I can hear some of you readers wondering from a mile away, “but you’re in a wheelchair, how does the sex thing work in a relationship?” Didn’t your parents ever teach you? All joking aside, we can have sex, just like any other person and yes, it is just as amazing.
Now, after this beautiful hot flame has burned itself out, I am once again happy being single. I love being alone and making unilateral decisions. My life is no democracy. I am enjoying this time to take care of myself, physically and emotionally and I am still planning to become a single mother by choice. However, at the same time, I’m still open to dating, meeting someone to spend my life with and have children with someone.
There’s a poem by Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye that fits this blog post perfectly. Please listen closely…
“Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to
And love leaves exactly when love must…”