shattered

It’s been a little over a year since I posted I was doing my first attempt at getting pregnant. Since then a lot has happened. I thought I knew what pain was the first time I saw the “not pregnant” sign on the test. It turns out I had absolutely no clew. My heart has been shattered into a million different pieces almost every months for a year now. Every time I think it can’t break any further life kicks me back down and proves me wrong.

When I started this journey I knew it wouldn’t be a walk in the park. I knew it would be a fight for my survival and that of my child every single day. But, this was supposed to be the easy part. Never in my worst nightmares would I have been able to imagine this. To feel so damn helpless, it’s awful. Getting pregnant isn’t supposed to be this hard. How many times have we heard about people getting pregnant by accident? We hear it all around us. Even people who shouldn’t even have children to begin with get pregnant. And then there are those who don’t want to have any children but get pregnant accidentally anyway. IT IS NOT FAIR! And yes, I know, life isn’t fair. But seriously, isn’t my life hard enough already? Why is everything in my life such a fight to stay alive? to live the life I want to live? Of this incredible hard journey I’ll embark on, why can’t this part be a little easier?

I’ve only ever tried to make this world a better place and my goal every day is to leave this amazing earth better than it was before I found my way here. So sometimes I wonder… why? I don’t know… But sometimes I wonder how much more my heart will be able to handle.

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