When love leaves…

A few months ago I had the privilege to meet someone who made my heart beat faster from the moment he walked into the room. For a while, we “found a park bench that fit us perfectly.” We had fun, we learned from each other and thrived in each others company.

When I met the guy in question, I was in an inpatient phase in my life. I was perfectly happy being single but couldn’t wait to start the next period of my life. I felt like life was passing me by, and I lost control over my own future. In my head, my control over life slipped through my fingers like sand on a beach. I started on a journey to become a single mother by choice. I do not want to be depended on the possibility of a relationship to be happy or live the life I want. So, I would’ve been happy staying single for the rest of my life.

I am aware this sounds a little strange to some people but I try to be realistic in every aspect of my life, and I am aware I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. Aside from the fact that I am as crippled as they come, I am also headstrong, vegan, eco-friendly, zero-waster and I have a well of information in my head that causes me to come across as a know-it-all. It’s hard for everyone to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with, but I choose to make it even more difficult, I don’t do this on purpose of course. I tend to prefer the path that makes me happy regardless of how hard that path might be.

Even though I was and still am such a happy single, I keep my options open every day and explore every possibility of meeting that person to spend my life with, regardless of their gender, age or sexual orientation. So I met someone. From the moment I first saw him till the moment, he walked out of my life he made my heart beat faster. When we started dating, he didn’t know what he wanted from life, so I went into the relationship with a completely open mind and without expectations. The only thing I wanted from our time together was to make him happy in every aspect I could, and that may sound desperate or too selfless, but in my opinion, a person can only give love and happiness when they are receiving love and are happy. I started dating this mystery man with the belief and knowledge that if I held on to him and tried to pull him towards me, I would only lose him. The pulling and wanting and needing someone isn’t love, it is just attachment. Like sand, the harder you are trying to hold on to it the more you will lose. But when you cradle and nourish it, then you won’t lose it.

Last week “he” decided he wanted to break up because he still hadn’t figured out what he wanted but he did figure out it wasn’t me. You might think that hurt since I was so invested,  loved every second I spent with him and gave it my all but it didn’t! I wasn’t sad or angry when he told me. I only thought it was unfortunate and didn’t like the way he did it over text but striving to be a complete empath I could understand why he did it that way. Like he said himself I am too strong a person for him to be able to tell me such a thing in person. The reasons I have no negative emotions about our breakup is because the time we did spend together was beautiful and like I said earlier I want him to be happy, if that is without me, then that’s fine too.

jessie-j-queen-lyrics-tgjOf course, he was not the only one that gained something from this hot burning relationship. He taught me so much about myself and self-respect and self-love. They say a look says more than a thousand words, it most definitely did in this case, he showed me I am not only beautiful but attractive and sexy as well. Not only when I put a lot of effort into looking my best, but even when you are at your most vulnerable or just your average self. I can hear some of you readers wondering from a mile away, “but you’re in a wheelchair, how does the sex thing work in a relationship?” Didn’t your parents ever teach you? All joking aside, we can have sex, just like any other person and yes, it is just as amazing.

Now, after this beautiful hot flame has burned itself out, I am once again happy being single. I love being alone and making unilateral decisions. My life is no democracy. I am enjoying this time to take care of myself, physically and emotionally and I am still planning to become a single mother by choice. However, at the same time, I’m still open to dating, meeting someone to spend my life with and have children with someone.

There’s a poem by Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye that fits this blog post perfectly. Please listen closely…

 

“Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to
And love leaves exactly when love must…”

Decisions, decisions…

Voor Nederlands zie de vertaling onder aan de pagina.

Today a question arose which has caused lots of issues in my life over the last few years. But before today I didn’t dare to face the problem in my life that is pointed out by the question.

How is a person supposed to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives when they are in their teens? I was 17 when I started studying law. I was confident that was the right choice. I knew what I wanted to specialize in and why. I was the kind of person who had their whole life mapped out. I was going to study law, graduate Suma cum laude, work at a prestigious law firm specialized in corporate law and become rich and powerful. Saying this now I feel ridiculous, but I had a good reason for such a huge goal… Being differently abled and a wheelchair user I am and feel treated as worthless and stupid or underdeveloped. My opinion often is interpreted as ill-founded or not relevant, which is why I wanted to become rich and powerful professionally because I believed then people would finally see me for what I was and treat me as a valued, worthy and intelligent person. I was sure that was the way to make people treat me respectfully. After two years of studying, I had to quit because I had Pfeiffer decease and failed too many exams. Which sucked of course but I wasn’t going to let that stop me! So I decided I was going to study international law in The Hague. I was still confident I wanted to study law, but I didn’t want to do the same program because I knew that would demotivate me even more. So I started in the Hague ready to kick ass; however, a month into the program I realized the traveling was taking its toll on Aki, my service dog and me. The only solution I saw was to move house, which meant moving out of my parents’ house. That decision has changed my life and personality in such an extreme way I never could’ve foreseen.

Because I moved so far away from everyone, I was depended entirely on my self. Being so alone gave me the time, space and opportunity to develop my way of life, my opinions and morals. Listening to the quiet of being alone is such a valuable lesson in life. It gives you the possibility to look in the mirror and evaluate your life.

I always was an eco-friendly person. I always believed in the natural way of things, but when I was on my own without so many influences of others, all those interests were magnified and morphed into a strong desire to become entirely in tune with mother nature which also morphed in a firm belief in empathy and strive to achieve complete empathy. If you look at yourself in such a naked way and start to believe in the natural way of life in such an absolute way you have to learn to love yourself for who you are as well. In the last three years of living alone, I gained confidence and love myself on the inside and out. Because of the increase in self-confidence, I could finally see that my goal of becoming rich and powerful had nothing to do with my dreams but had everything to do with how I perceived myself because I believed I needed the approval of others. Once I let go of that need, I lost my reasons to study law.

So I think there’s something wrong with the system. Making a teenager choose what they want to do with the rest of their life is insane. I made that choice, and I made the right one at that time but the wrong one for who I am today and now I will be drowning in student loans for the next 15 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can we know who we are when we haven’t even lived yet?

 

Translation/vertaling:

Vandaag hield een vraag mij bezig die al jaren voor veel problemen in mijn leven zorgt, maar voor vandaag durfde ik het achterliggende probleem niet onder ogen te komen.

Hoe moet een tiener op zo een jonge leeftijd beslissen wat ze met de rest van hun leven willen doen? Ik was 17 toen ik begon aan mijn studie Rechten. Ik was er volledig van overtuigd dat ik advocaat wilden worden. Ik wist precies in welk vakgebied ik mezelf wilde specialiseren en waarom. Ik was het soort persoon dat haar hele leven al voor zichzelf uitgestippeld had. Ik zou Rechten studeren, daarna rechtsgeleerdheid aan een universiteit, Suma Cum Laude afstuderen en bij een hoog aangeschreven advocatenkantoor gaan werken specialiserend in bedrijfsrecht waar ik macht en rijkdom mee zou vergaren. Nu realiseer ik me hoe belachelijk dat plan was, maar ik had een goede reden voor die hoge lat… Als rolstoelgebruiker zijnde word ik vaak gezien als minder waard, dom of onbelangrijk en dat was precies de reden voor mijn droom naar rijkdom en status, ik geloofde dat mensen mij dan eindelijk voor vol zouden aanzien omdat ze er dan niet meer omheen konden, die status zou mijn manier worden van respect afdwingen. Na twee jaar Rechten studeren moest ik stoppen omdat ik de Ziekte van Pfeiffer kreeg en daardoor zakte voor teveel tentamens. Dat was natuurlijk balen maar dat zou mij niet stoppen die droom te verwezenlijken! Dus besloot ik International and European Law te gaan doen aan de Haagse Hogeschool omdat ik niet twee keer dezelfde opleiding wilde doen, dat zou alleen maar demotiverend werken maar ik was er nog steeds wel van overtuigd dat ik rechten wilde studeren. Dus begon ik in Den Haag vol goede moed klaar om dat klusje te klaren; na een maand begon ik me te realiseren dat het heen en weer reizen te zwaar werd en ook zijn tol begon te eisen bij Aki, mijn assistentiehond.

img_2959

De enige oplossing die ik zag was verhuizen, dat betekende dus voor het eerst op mezelf wonen. Dat besluit heeft mijn leven en persoonlijkheid op zo een drastische wijze veranderd, dat had ik absoluut niet zien aankomen.

Omdat ik zo ver van al mijn bekende ging wonen, was ik vanaf dat moment volledig op mezelf aangewezen. Het alleen zijn gaf me de tijd, ruimte en mogelijkheid om mijn eigen levenswijze, meningen en normen en waarden te ontwikkelen. Luisteren naar de stilte in het alleen zijn is volgens mij een belangrijke les in het leven. Het geeft je de mogelijkheid om in de spiegel te kijken en je leven te evalueren.

Ik was altijd al een ecologisch ingesteld persoon. Ik geloofde altijd al in dingen op de natuurlijke wijze doen, maar toen ik eenmaal alleen was zonder al die invloeden van anderen zijn die intresses vergroot en vervormd in een sterk verlangen om helemaal in evenwicht te komen met moedernatuur, dat vervormde zich weer naar een sterk geloof in empatie en een streven naar het bereiken van complete empatie.

img_2979

Als je op zo een naakte manier naar jezelf kijkt en begint te geloven in de natuurlijke gang van het leven op een absolute manier dan moet je ook leren om van jezelf te houden voor wie je bent. In de laatste 3 jaar van op mezelf wonen, ben ik gegroeid in zelfvertrouwen en kan ik nu zeggen dat ik van mezelf hou voor wie ik ben, van binnen en van buiten. Door het verkrijgen van meer zelfvertrouwen kon ik eindelijk zien dat mijn droom naar rijkdom, status en macht niks te maken had met mijn dromen maar alles te maken had met de manier waarop ik mezelf zag omdat ik dacht dat ik de goedkeuring van andere nodig had. Toen ik die gedachtegang losliet verloor ik dus ook mijn redenen om Rechten te gaan studeren.

Dus denk ik dat er iets mis is met het systeem. Tieners dwingen om op die leeftijd te kiezen wat ze willen doen met de rest van hun lezen is gestoord. Ik heb die keus gemaakt en op dat moment was dat de juiste keuze maar het is de verkeerde keuze voor wie ik nu ben en nu verdrink ik voor de komende 15 jaar in studieschulden.

img_2980

 

Hoe kunnen we weten wie we zijn als we nog niet eens geleefd hebben?