Pulling my strings…

Dependency on another is upsetting and unsettling. It unwillingly grants the other more power than deserved.

Imagine that this other person holds the key to your happiness. It gives that person a kind of power that can be devastatingly painful when abused. You become a puppet while someone else is pulling the strings. The funny thing is this dependency also does something strange to one suddenly holding all that power. It morphs them into someone cruel, someone who enjoys pulling those strings and making you dance and beg and plead. It’s like a child pulling off a flies’ wings for sport. It is excruciatingly painful for the one who is unfortunate enough to be that flie.

So today, I am in pain. Today I’m such a desperate person willing to do almost anything to fulfill my wish. I can feel the desire to become a mom in my soul. It fills every fiber of my being and influances every decision I make. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check to see if I’m pregnant since my sleep is filled with dreams so vivid I sometimes have difficulty seeing them as such. And In my desperation and yearning for this beautiful future and blessing, someone is pulling my strings…

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The bold type

Starting next month, I want to make you all part of my journey towards motherhood. So, to start off with, I would like to introduce you to the outrageous person that is me.

 

“You are not your mother, your father, your history, or cultural influences. 

you are uniquely and originally you.

Be bold and daring and fearless and unconventional.

Be willing to use your voice in service of your soul.

Go on. Rock that damn boat

The wave you create might just change the world…”

~ Cheryl Richardson

 

I don’t think I have to tell you my name since it’s splattered all over this blog but to be sure, my name is Aura. I live in the Netherlands in a beautiful two bedroom, wheelchair accessible home with my service dog Aki. I am currently 23 years old and live by the idea that my wheelchair should adapt to my life and not the other way around. So I tend to make choices that are regarded as bold. With my service dog, I chose a breed that has never been used for this purpose before. When I moved out of my parent’s house, I decided to go live somewhere far away from my parents. Living on my own I chose to live a vegan lifestyle. Some of you may wonder if I’m just being difficult for the sake of it. To answer your silent question: no I most certainly am not! I love my life. I am aware it isn’t the path of least resistance. It is the path with the highest reward. I try to live every day in such a way that I never have regrets. Everything I do, I go for with everything I have, win or lose I will know I fought my hardest to reach those lofty goals.

Huge dreams, the long shot, I always go for the long shot. I mean the bigger the risk the higher the rewards, right? So, here we go. On the road to my biggest dream ever, the hardest road I ever traveled, the road to motherhood… And yes, you figured that out perfectly, I am single. So, I choose to become a single mother. I will be a single mother by choice. 

This choice was definitely not made overnight. It took me years, first I had a hard time letting go of the dream of the so-called “perfect family”. The idea formed because I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything when I finally found what I wanted to do with my life. So I passionately started dating, desperately trying to find a partner to form that “perfect family” with. As you might guess, that didn’t work out so well. Lots of heartache later, I decided I didn’t want to be depended on anyone for my happiness. I tried adoption, called the local adoption agency and was discouraged in such an extremely negative way because of my age, single status and the wheelchair, which they were really negative about. I knew that convincing them I can be a good parent would be more than a long shot, It would be impossible. So, I decided this country isn’t ready for a single wheelchair using adopting mother and figured I could do foster-care…

However, I wanted a baby, an infant. Again with the long shot, right? Like with all the choices I make there’s an elaborate reasoning behind it. Single parenthood is hard. It is hard for everyone, almost impossibly hard for someone like me. So I figured a baby is born at a certain stage in its development for a reason, not only for the baby and the delivery but also to give the parents a doable learning curve in how to parent. In my opinion, I need that learning curve physically and emotionally more than anyone. And there’s another reason for the desire to get an infant in foster-care, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle raising more than one child. So, If I’m only going to do this once I want the full journey. But I also really wanted to help a child. In my mind, there are already so many children without parents, the least I could do is give one a loving home. So, I went to the first mandatory meeting, I went by myself (and Aki of course) and people stared at me like I was an animal in a zoo. The hosts working for the agency treated me like I was a child with a cute infatuation. Because of all the research, I did (I have a slight obsession with being prepared) they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Even though I knew they weren’t taking me seriously,  they handed me the forms I needed to fill out at the end of the evening and I left. Excited as I was I filled in the forms the next morning and mailed them. My excitement was short-lived as I a person working for the foster-care agency called me to discuss my application. She said she saw I wanted an infant and that I was using a wheelchair in my daily life, she also said her colleague told her I am “severely disabled” so they were having a hard time with my application. I told her I don’t regard myself as being severely disabled and that she was being unfairly judgemental because she hadn’t even met me yet. The entire conversation was based on a huge prejudice but we decided to continue the discussion further at a later time and I ended the call. To make a long story short, the entire thing became a fight about me, about me right to become a parent, about their prejudices about my abilities. We lost sight of the most important thing, the child. So, a few weeks later when I decided to move house because I and my future child would have better living conditions and I had to start the process all over again with a different agency I chose to go a different route.

I had been playing with this idea for a while, complaining to my best friend that no government agency would question my ability to parent if I just got pregnant, she said: “you don’t need a guy to get pregnant.” and something just clicked. I had researched pregnancy before and it always got my adrenaline pumping. Also when I researched parenting styles and came to The Continuum Concept, everything fell into place for me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to do parenthood the most natural minimalistic way. Breastfeeding, babywearing, elimination communication ánd a home birth. 

 

“Birth is not only about making babies.

Birth is about making mothers;

strong competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”

~ Barbara Katz Rothman

 

So, to conclude, I have decided I want to be a vegan, continuum concept, single wheelchair using mom by choice by a non-anonymous donor. And even though lots of people question my choices on this matter I’m determined to do it. I am sure that I can do it, without a doubt.

I am a woman of the bold type! Welcome to my journey…

 

“To me, freedom means having the power,

the inherent right,

the capacity and the ability to make choices that honor who I am.”

~ Iyanla Vanzant

 

Decisions, decisions…

Voor Nederlands zie de vertaling onder aan de pagina.

Today a question arose which has caused lots of issues in my life over the last few years. But before today I didn’t dare to face the problem in my life that is pointed out by the question.

How is a person supposed to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives when they are in their teens? I was 17 when I started studying law. I was confident that was the right choice. I knew what I wanted to specialize in and why. I was the kind of person who had their whole life mapped out. I was going to study law, graduate Suma cum laude, work at a prestigious law firm specialized in corporate law and become rich and powerful. Saying this now I feel ridiculous, but I had a good reason for such a huge goal… Being differently abled and a wheelchair user I am and feel treated as worthless and stupid or underdeveloped. My opinion often is interpreted as ill-founded or not relevant, which is why I wanted to become rich and powerful professionally because I believed then people would finally see me for what I was and treat me as a valued, worthy and intelligent person. I was sure that was the way to make people treat me respectfully. After two years of studying, I had to quit because I had Pfeiffer decease and failed too many exams. Which sucked of course but I wasn’t going to let that stop me! So I decided I was going to study international law in The Hague. I was still confident I wanted to study law, but I didn’t want to do the same program because I knew that would demotivate me even more. So I started in the Hague ready to kick ass; however, a month into the program I realized the traveling was taking its toll on Aki, my service dog and me. The only solution I saw was to move house, which meant moving out of my parents’ house. That decision has changed my life and personality in such an extreme way I never could’ve foreseen.

Because I moved so far away from everyone, I was depended entirely on my self. Being so alone gave me the time, space and opportunity to develop my way of life, my opinions and morals. Listening to the quiet of being alone is such a valuable lesson in life. It gives you the possibility to look in the mirror and evaluate your life.

I always was an eco-friendly person. I always believed in the natural way of things, but when I was on my own without so many influences of others, all those interests were magnified and morphed into a strong desire to become entirely in tune with mother nature which also morphed in a firm belief in empathy and strive to achieve complete empathy. If you look at yourself in such a naked way and start to believe in the natural way of life in such an absolute way you have to learn to love yourself for who you are as well. In the last three years of living alone, I gained confidence and love myself on the inside and out. Because of the increase in self-confidence, I could finally see that my goal of becoming rich and powerful had nothing to do with my dreams but had everything to do with how I perceived myself because I believed I needed the approval of others. Once I let go of that need, I lost my reasons to study law.

So I think there’s something wrong with the system. Making a teenager choose what they want to do with the rest of their life is insane. I made that choice, and I made the right one at that time but the wrong one for who I am today and now I will be drowning in student loans for the next 15 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can we know who we are when we haven’t even lived yet?

 

Translation/vertaling:

Vandaag hield een vraag mij bezig die al jaren voor veel problemen in mijn leven zorgt, maar voor vandaag durfde ik het achterliggende probleem niet onder ogen te komen.

Hoe moet een tiener op zo een jonge leeftijd beslissen wat ze met de rest van hun leven willen doen? Ik was 17 toen ik begon aan mijn studie Rechten. Ik was er volledig van overtuigd dat ik advocaat wilden worden. Ik wist precies in welk vakgebied ik mezelf wilde specialiseren en waarom. Ik was het soort persoon dat haar hele leven al voor zichzelf uitgestippeld had. Ik zou Rechten studeren, daarna rechtsgeleerdheid aan een universiteit, Suma Cum Laude afstuderen en bij een hoog aangeschreven advocatenkantoor gaan werken specialiserend in bedrijfsrecht waar ik macht en rijkdom mee zou vergaren. Nu realiseer ik me hoe belachelijk dat plan was, maar ik had een goede reden voor die hoge lat… Als rolstoelgebruiker zijnde word ik vaak gezien als minder waard, dom of onbelangrijk en dat was precies de reden voor mijn droom naar rijkdom en status, ik geloofde dat mensen mij dan eindelijk voor vol zouden aanzien omdat ze er dan niet meer omheen konden, die status zou mijn manier worden van respect afdwingen. Na twee jaar Rechten studeren moest ik stoppen omdat ik de Ziekte van Pfeiffer kreeg en daardoor zakte voor teveel tentamens. Dat was natuurlijk balen maar dat zou mij niet stoppen die droom te verwezenlijken! Dus besloot ik International and European Law te gaan doen aan de Haagse Hogeschool omdat ik niet twee keer dezelfde opleiding wilde doen, dat zou alleen maar demotiverend werken maar ik was er nog steeds wel van overtuigd dat ik rechten wilde studeren. Dus begon ik in Den Haag vol goede moed klaar om dat klusje te klaren; na een maand begon ik me te realiseren dat het heen en weer reizen te zwaar werd en ook zijn tol begon te eisen bij Aki, mijn assistentiehond.

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De enige oplossing die ik zag was verhuizen, dat betekende dus voor het eerst op mezelf wonen. Dat besluit heeft mijn leven en persoonlijkheid op zo een drastische wijze veranderd, dat had ik absoluut niet zien aankomen.

Omdat ik zo ver van al mijn bekende ging wonen, was ik vanaf dat moment volledig op mezelf aangewezen. Het alleen zijn gaf me de tijd, ruimte en mogelijkheid om mijn eigen levenswijze, meningen en normen en waarden te ontwikkelen. Luisteren naar de stilte in het alleen zijn is volgens mij een belangrijke les in het leven. Het geeft je de mogelijkheid om in de spiegel te kijken en je leven te evalueren.

Ik was altijd al een ecologisch ingesteld persoon. Ik geloofde altijd al in dingen op de natuurlijke wijze doen, maar toen ik eenmaal alleen was zonder al die invloeden van anderen zijn die intresses vergroot en vervormd in een sterk verlangen om helemaal in evenwicht te komen met moedernatuur, dat vervormde zich weer naar een sterk geloof in empatie en een streven naar het bereiken van complete empatie.

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Als je op zo een naakte manier naar jezelf kijkt en begint te geloven in de natuurlijke gang van het leven op een absolute manier dan moet je ook leren om van jezelf te houden voor wie je bent. In de laatste 3 jaar van op mezelf wonen, ben ik gegroeid in zelfvertrouwen en kan ik nu zeggen dat ik van mezelf hou voor wie ik ben, van binnen en van buiten. Door het verkrijgen van meer zelfvertrouwen kon ik eindelijk zien dat mijn droom naar rijkdom, status en macht niks te maken had met mijn dromen maar alles te maken had met de manier waarop ik mezelf zag omdat ik dacht dat ik de goedkeuring van andere nodig had. Toen ik die gedachtegang losliet verloor ik dus ook mijn redenen om Rechten te gaan studeren.

Dus denk ik dat er iets mis is met het systeem. Tieners dwingen om op die leeftijd te kiezen wat ze willen doen met de rest van hun lezen is gestoord. Ik heb die keus gemaakt en op dat moment was dat de juiste keuze maar het is de verkeerde keuze voor wie ik nu ben en nu verdrink ik voor de komende 15 jaar in studieschulden.

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Hoe kunnen we weten wie we zijn als we nog niet eens geleefd hebben?