Life’s dissapointments

This post is a little late, I’m aware. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. As most of you may have guessed by now, I am not pregnant. I was so ready, and secretly a little excited already as well.

It’s weird when I got my period I was so incredibly disappointed, but weirdly enough I got over that fairly quickly and got excited for the next time. I was somehow able to hold on to the hope and the feeling that this is my path and therefore it will happen. However, the disappointment was quickly replaced by a sense of loneliness and the feeling I have lost something. It’s weird; I haven’t felt this kind of loneliness and longing for something I’ve lost for a very long time.

But I’m working hard on trying again and getting the means to do so. I am going to be a mom, somehow! And you know what, I’m going to be a great one too!!

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The bold type

Starting next month, I want to make you all part of my journey towards motherhood. So, to start off with, I would like to introduce you to the outrageous person that is me.

 

“You are not your mother, your father, your history, or cultural influences. 

you are uniquely and originally you.

Be bold and daring and fearless and unconventional.

Be willing to use your voice in service of your soul.

Go on. Rock that damn boat

The wave you create might just change the world…”

~ Cheryl Richardson

 

I don’t think I have to tell you my name since it’s splattered all over this blog but to be sure, my name is Aura. I live in the Netherlands in a beautiful two bedroom, wheelchair accessible home with my service dog Aki. I am currently 23 years old and live by the idea that my wheelchair should adapt to my life and not the other way around. So I tend to make choices that are regarded as bold. With my service dog, I chose a breed that has never been used for this purpose before. When I moved out of my parent’s house, I decided to go live somewhere far away from my parents. Living on my own I chose to live a vegan lifestyle. Some of you may wonder if I’m just being difficult for the sake of it. To answer your silent question: no I most certainly am not! I love my life. I am aware it isn’t the path of least resistance. It is the path with the highest reward. I try to live every day in such a way that I never have regrets. Everything I do, I go for with everything I have, win or lose I will know I fought my hardest to reach those lofty goals.

Huge dreams, the long shot, I always go for the long shot. I mean the bigger the risk the higher the rewards, right? So, here we go. On the road to my biggest dream ever, the hardest road I ever traveled, the road to motherhood… And yes, you figured that out perfectly, I am single. So, I choose to become a single mother. I will be a single mother by choice. 

This choice was definitely not made overnight. It took me years, first I had a hard time letting go of the dream of the so-called “perfect family”. The idea formed because I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything when I finally found what I wanted to do with my life. So I passionately started dating, desperately trying to find a partner to form that “perfect family” with. As you might guess, that didn’t work out so well. Lots of heartache later, I decided I didn’t want to be depended on anyone for my happiness. I tried adoption, called the local adoption agency and was discouraged in such an extremely negative way because of my age, single status and the wheelchair, which they were really negative about. I knew that convincing them I can be a good parent would be more than a long shot, It would be impossible. So, I decided this country isn’t ready for a single wheelchair using adopting mother and figured I could do foster-care…

However, I wanted a baby, an infant. Again with the long shot, right? Like with all the choices I make there’s an elaborate reasoning behind it. Single parenthood is hard. It is hard for everyone, almost impossibly hard for someone like me. So I figured a baby is born at a certain stage in its development for a reason, not only for the baby and the delivery but also to give the parents a doable learning curve in how to parent. In my opinion, I need that learning curve physically and emotionally more than anyone. And there’s another reason for the desire to get an infant in foster-care, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle raising more than one child. So, If I’m only going to do this once I want the full journey. But I also really wanted to help a child. In my mind, there are already so many children without parents, the least I could do is give one a loving home. So, I went to the first mandatory meeting, I went by myself (and Aki of course) and people stared at me like I was an animal in a zoo. The hosts working for the agency treated me like I was a child with a cute infatuation. Because of all the research, I did (I have a slight obsession with being prepared) they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Even though I knew they weren’t taking me seriously,  they handed me the forms I needed to fill out at the end of the evening and I left. Excited as I was I filled in the forms the next morning and mailed them. My excitement was short-lived as I a person working for the foster-care agency called me to discuss my application. She said she saw I wanted an infant and that I was using a wheelchair in my daily life, she also said her colleague told her I am “severely disabled” so they were having a hard time with my application. I told her I don’t regard myself as being severely disabled and that she was being unfairly judgemental because she hadn’t even met me yet. The entire conversation was based on a huge prejudice but we decided to continue the discussion further at a later time and I ended the call. To make a long story short, the entire thing became a fight about me, about me right to become a parent, about their prejudices about my abilities. We lost sight of the most important thing, the child. So, a few weeks later when I decided to move house because I and my future child would have better living conditions and I had to start the process all over again with a different agency I chose to go a different route.

I had been playing with this idea for a while, complaining to my best friend that no government agency would question my ability to parent if I just got pregnant, she said: “you don’t need a guy to get pregnant.” and something just clicked. I had researched pregnancy before and it always got my adrenaline pumping. Also when I researched parenting styles and came to The Continuum Concept, everything fell into place for me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to do parenthood the most natural minimalistic way. Breastfeeding, babywearing, elimination communication ánd a home birth. 

 

“Birth is not only about making babies.

Birth is about making mothers;

strong competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”

~ Barbara Katz Rothman

 

So, to conclude, I have decided I want to be a vegan, continuum concept, single wheelchair using mom by choice by a non-anonymous donor. And even though lots of people question my choices on this matter I’m determined to do it. I am sure that I can do it, without a doubt.

I am a woman of the bold type! Welcome to my journey…

 

“To me, freedom means having the power,

the inherent right,

the capacity and the ability to make choices that honor who I am.”

~ Iyanla Vanzant

 

Happy Father’s day!

Happy fathers day everyone!

It is a day that I am reminded to be thankful. Thankful for my dad ànd my mom. Because I have parents who support me, love me and cherish me, I am also reminded that there are many children out there that are alone. No dad, no moms who are also dads. That is a tragedy…

So even if you think you have no dad, you do! Whether you have a mom, who’s also your dad or two moms who are also dads or two dads celebrate this day! Be thankful for the fact that you have a family; it doesn’t matter what that family looks like or if you are family by blood. It is still something to cherish.

So to my family, my mom and dad who supported me through all the hard and challenging times, thank you! Thank you for making me such a resilient young woman, thank you for teaching me to be open-minded, accepting and without prejudice. It wasn’t always easy, but we made it. Thank you for the opportunity to outgrow you. Thank you for letting go and letting me choose my path.

And to my dad, thank you for showing me what a good husband looks like. Thank you for showing me I am worthy of a man’s love. Thank you for showing me what a great dad looks like.

To my mom, thank you for showing me what a genuinely confident, independent woman looks like. Thank you, for being my role model. Thank you for showing me I am also worthy of a woman’s love. Thank you for showing me a breathtaking partnership.

🌈For pride month, let’s all let go of the notion of a perfect family. An ideal family looks different for everyone. Anyone can form a family because love is what makes a family. 🌈

Labels are the opposite of understanding!

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago which reminded me of some frustrating points in the current general opinion.

In this day and age, sex seems to be very important for almost everyone, whether you are young, or old consciously or unconsciously most of us have strong opinions about sexuality. We think we have it all figured out. Society has created these perfect boxes, a typical mold in which every group of people gets their own and should fit in there perfectly. Why is that? Why are people so damn scared of anything or anyone that is different? Why do we feel this incredible urge to label people in the first place? Why is it important what label we can stick to a person? Homosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual, heterosexual.. why can’t we all be sexual beings? Why can’t we evolve to accept that we fall in love not based on gender but based on beauty, personality, physical attraction and emotional connection?

I, myself have a strong preference for men and may never have a relationship with a woman, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t. Does this make me any less bisexual or any more heterosexual? I wouldn’t know. I think it makes me human. Because I am aware I could fall in love with a woman and am sometimes attracted to a woman should I know define myself as bisexual? Am I suddenly a different person? No, I’m still the same person. I’ve always known we are all bisexual in some way, most of us won’t even entertain the possibility and therefore shut it out, living half blind. Because I chose to accept it and consider the possibility am I now a completely different “kind” of human? And furthermore, because I know decide to speak up and broadcast my opinions and preferences does that suddenly make me bisexual? Why define it in the first place? Why does it even matter?

Let’s break the mold and stop trying to fit everyone into one. We are who we are, and no one is the same as either you or me, so how can we expect people to fit into a mold when we are all such unique beings!?

My savior

So, let’s talk Aki, my hero in so many ways. He saved my life in so many ways I thought it was time to share my love and appreciation for this incredible soul that I am blessed to share every aspect of my life with.

About 5 years ago, I was in a dark place. I was bullied by classmates, best friends and people who I was supposed to be able to depend on. I’m not a person that is affected by name calling or physical bullying and abuse but I am a very social person, and I thrive on sociality. Bullies figure out where they can hit you the hardest pretty quickly, so when the name calling and physical bullying was not getting the expected results, they decided to just ignore me. They made most of my time in high school a living nightmare. It was like I was contagious. People only spoke to me out of obligation. I didn’t have any friends or anyone that enjoyed my company. I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. So you can probably understand I was so happy when I graduated high school and could finally leave that place behind me, or at least that’s what I thought. Unfortunately, it was not that easy. Spending a few years in so much mental and emotional pain had taken its toll. Life was a little better, I had some social contacts studying law, but I still felt super lonely and never felt like I belonged. To be brutally honest, I was so depressed I couldn’t see a way out anymore.

Little did I know that seeing a movie would change all of that. I saw the movie Hachiko on tv with my parents, and I was hooked. That dog would’ve gone through fire for his owner, he loved him no matter what. The moment I saw that movie, I knew exactly what I needed; I needed an Akita, to train, to cherish, to spend my life with! However, my parents weren’t the type of people to just by a dog. They didn’t want a pet in the house, not a dog anyway. They perceived dogs as being annoying and badly-behaved, so I did all the research I could possibly find on training, the breed, and bonding. With all that information I went to my parents to make my case, they said no at first, but after lots of discussions, they agreed to buy me an Akita after all. While looking for breeders, I found one not so far from our family home and went for a visit. It seemed like a good fit from my perspective even though they were slightly hesitant because of me being in a wheelchair. But in the end, it didn’t matter.

I got to choose from 5 puppies, which was so hard, I went to visit them every week, held every single one of them. Because I knew I wanted male there were three left for me to chose from. One of them wasn’t for me at all, I knew that rather quickly, but the choice between the last two was a little hard. In the end, I have to say Aki chose me, and I couldn’t have made a better choice, he was so calm and content all the time, just what I needed.

The first few weeks were hard, he was happy spending his life with me, but physically he was not doing so well. He was sick all the time. I knew something was wrong and in the end that gut feeling I had turned out to be correct. After I got him treated and listened to my instincts more, he started thriving, pushing me and enjoying life to the fullest. He thought me what pure happiness looks like. To not worry about the past or the future but just living in the moment and enjoying that. His love for me despite my flaws and imperfections helped me to find the confidence that I lost. He showed me I didn’t need to change for people to like me if they didn’t that know was and is their issue.

He also paved the road to a vegan lifestyle for me. After getting to know him better than I knew myself, I understood that he had such an amazing personality and wasn’t and still isn’t any less worthy then we humans are. So then the question arose: If he is my equal, why aren’t all those other animals that are being slaughtered for my food? After that, I couldn’t come up with a justifiable answer to continue consuming animal products. Human, animal, tree we are not the same, but we are equal.

Aki thaught me that and I am forever grateful that he made me let go of my ego, my shallowness, my prejudice and taught me compassion and empathy instead. It has made me a better person, he has made me a better person. Now I am proud of who I have become and am excited to see what the future holds for the both of us…

When love leaves…

A few months ago I had the privilege to meet someone who made my heart beat faster from the moment he walked into the room. For a while, we “found a park bench that fit us perfectly.” We had fun, we learned from each other and thrived in each others company.

When I met the guy in question, I was in an inpatient phase in my life. I was perfectly happy being single but couldn’t wait to start the next period of my life. I felt like life was passing me by, and I lost control over my own future. In my head, my control over life slipped through my fingers like sand on a beach. I started on a journey to become a single mother by choice. I do not want to be depended on the possibility of a relationship to be happy or live the life I want. So, I would’ve been happy staying single for the rest of my life.

I am aware this sounds a little strange to some people but I try to be realistic in every aspect of my life, and I am aware I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. Aside from the fact that I am as crippled as they come, I am also headstrong, vegan, eco-friendly, zero-waster and I have a well of information in my head that causes me to come across as a know-it-all. It’s hard for everyone to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with, but I choose to make it even more difficult, I don’t do this on purpose of course. I tend to prefer the path that makes me happy regardless of how hard that path might be.

Even though I was and still am such a happy single, I keep my options open every day and explore every possibility of meeting that person to spend my life with, regardless of their gender, age or sexual orientation. So I met someone. From the moment I first saw him till the moment, he walked out of my life he made my heart beat faster. When we started dating, he didn’t know what he wanted from life, so I went into the relationship with a completely open mind and without expectations. The only thing I wanted from our time together was to make him happy in every aspect I could, and that may sound desperate or too selfless, but in my opinion, a person can only give love and happiness when they are receiving love and are happy. I started dating this mystery man with the belief and knowledge that if I held on to him and tried to pull him towards me, I would only lose him. The pulling and wanting and needing someone isn’t love, it is just attachment. Like sand, the harder you are trying to hold on to it the more you will lose. But when you cradle and nourish it, then you won’t lose it.

Last week “he” decided he wanted to break up because he still hadn’t figured out what he wanted but he did figure out it wasn’t me. You might think that hurt since I was so invested,  loved every second I spent with him and gave it my all but it didn’t! I wasn’t sad or angry when he told me. I only thought it was unfortunate and didn’t like the way he did it over text but striving to be a complete empath I could understand why he did it that way. Like he said himself I am too strong a person for him to be able to tell me such a thing in person. The reasons I have no negative emotions about our breakup is because the time we did spend together was beautiful and like I said earlier I want him to be happy, if that is without me, then that’s fine too.

jessie-j-queen-lyrics-tgjOf course, he was not the only one that gained something from this hot burning relationship. He taught me so much about myself and self-respect and self-love. They say a look says more than a thousand words, it most definitely did in this case, he showed me I am not only beautiful but attractive and sexy as well. Not only when I put a lot of effort into looking my best, but even when you are at your most vulnerable or just your average self. I can hear some of you readers wondering from a mile away, “but you’re in a wheelchair, how does the sex thing work in a relationship?” Didn’t your parents ever teach you? All joking aside, we can have sex, just like any other person and yes, it is just as amazing.

Now, after this beautiful hot flame has burned itself out, I am once again happy being single. I love being alone and making unilateral decisions. My life is no democracy. I am enjoying this time to take care of myself, physically and emotionally and I am still planning to become a single mother by choice. However, at the same time, I’m still open to dating, meeting someone to spend my life with and have children with someone.

There’s a poem by Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye that fits this blog post perfectly. Please listen closely…

 

“Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to
And love leaves exactly when love must…”