Pulling my strings…

Dependency on another is upsetting and unsettling. It unwillingly grants the other more power than deserved.

Imagine that this other person holds the key to your happiness. It gives that person a kind of power that can be devastatingly painful when abused. You become a puppet while someone else is pulling the strings. The funny thing is this dependency also does something strange to one suddenly holding all that power. It morphs them into someone cruel, someone who enjoys pulling those strings and making you dance and beg and plead. It’s like a child pulling off a flies’ wings for sport. It is excruciatingly painful for the one who is unfortunate enough to be that flie.

So today, I am in pain. Today I’m such a desperate person willing to do almost anything to fulfill my wish. I can feel the desire to become a mom in my soul. It fills every fiber of my being and influances every decision I make. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check to see if I’m pregnant since my sleep is filled with dreams so vivid I sometimes have difficulty seeing them as such. And In my desperation and yearning for this beautiful future and blessing, someone is pulling my strings…

Advertisements

Life’s dissapointments

This post is a little late, I’m aware. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. As most of you may have guessed by now, I am not pregnant. I was so ready, and secretly a little excited already as well.

It’s weird when I got my period I was so incredibly disappointed, but weirdly enough I got over that fairly quickly and got excited for the next time. I was somehow able to hold on to the hope and the feeling that this is my path and therefore it will happen. However, the disappointment was quickly replaced by a sense of loneliness and the feeling I have lost something. It’s weird; I haven’t felt this kind of loneliness and longing for something I’ve lost for a very long time.

But I’m working hard on trying again and getting the means to do so. I am going to be a mom, somehow! And you know what, I’m going to be a great one too!!