Pulling my strings…

Dependency on another is upsetting and unsettling. It unwillingly grants the other more power than deserved.

Imagine that this other person holds the key to your happiness. It gives that person a kind of power that can be devastatingly painful when abused. You become a puppet while someone else is pulling the strings. The funny thing is this dependency also does something strange to one suddenly holding all that power. It morphs them into someone cruel, someone who enjoys pulling those strings and making you dance and beg and plead. It’s like a child pulling off a flies’ wings for sport. It is excruciatingly painful for the one who is unfortunate enough to be that flie.

So today, I am in pain. Today I’m such a desperate person willing to do almost anything to fulfill my wish. I can feel the desire to become a mom in my soul. It fills every fiber of my being and influances every decision I make. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check to see if I’m pregnant since my sleep is filled with dreams so vivid I sometimes have difficulty seeing them as such. And In my desperation and yearning for this beautiful future and blessing, someone is pulling my strings…

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Life’s dissapointments

This post is a little late, I’m aware. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. As most of you may have guessed by now, I am not pregnant. I was so ready, and secretly a little excited already as well.

It’s weird when I got my period I was so incredibly disappointed, but weirdly enough I got over that fairly quickly and got excited for the next time. I was somehow able to hold on to the hope and the feeling that this is my path and therefore it will happen. However, the disappointment was quickly replaced by a sense of loneliness and the feeling I have lost something. It’s weird; I haven’t felt this kind of loneliness and longing for something I’ve lost for a very long time.

But I’m working hard on trying again and getting the means to do so. I am going to be a mom, somehow! And you know what, I’m going to be a great one too!!

OMG… The suspense is killing me!

First of all, let me apologize for the ridiculous radio silence over the last few months. For some reason, I had a complete writers’ block this summer! The heat messed with my head I guess. I dunno…

I have an emotion to share with you guys and I hope you will feel the suspense as well. So, I did my first insemination 8 days ago. AAAAAAAGH! I’m so nervous about the result! I will do an entire post on the specifics of home inseminations, but for now, I just had to share my nervousness. I can’t wait until I can do the pregnancy test! I picked the 30th of October with my birth partner to make sure I get an accurate result. Seriously, guys, I can’t wait!

I wish I could put into words how badly I want this, how devastated I will be if it says I’m not pregnant, how I will hate the costs of the inseminations at that point. You see, I don’t have the money for a second try. So it will take me at least a year to save up such a huge amount. Sometimes I honestly believe life gives me whatever I need when I need it, but since I am not seeing any other viable options at this point, it’s really hard for me to keep the faith. 

But on the other hand, maybe I’m being unnecessarily pessimistic and maybe I am pregnant… I’m having sore boobs, a really awful feeling in my stomach, lost my appetite for my staple foods and have mood swings like a teenager in puberty. What do you guys think? Am I pregnant!? tell me in the comments…