Pulling my strings…

Dependency on another is upsetting and unsettling. It unwillingly grants the other more power than deserved.

Imagine that this other person holds the key to your happiness. It gives that person a kind of power that can be devastatingly painful when abused. You become a puppet while someone else is pulling the strings. The funny thing is this dependency also does something strange to one suddenly holding all that power. It morphs them into someone cruel, someone who enjoys pulling those strings and making you dance and beg and plead. It’s like a child pulling off a flies’ wings for sport. It is excruciatingly painful for the one who is unfortunate enough to be that flie.

So today, I am in pain. Today I’m such a desperate person willing to do almost anything to fulfill my wish. I can feel the desire to become a mom in my soul. It fills every fiber of my being and influances every decision I make. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check to see if I’m pregnant since my sleep is filled with dreams so vivid I sometimes have difficulty seeing them as such. And In my desperation and yearning for this beautiful future and blessing, someone is pulling my strings…

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Yearning:

The word yearning, what does it mean? It is about wanting something badly. But if it were just that we would call the feeling “wanting” and not “yearning”. Yearning is wanting something so badly it hurts. It has to hurt to be worthy of the word.

Passionate people tend to experience yearning more frequently than others. Meaning, people who do everything they do with extreme emotions. When they are happy, they are not only happy, they are thrilled, ecstatic even and when they are sad or hurt, they are not only that, they are devastated. I am one of those people who’s highs in life are incredibly high, which is fantastic and makes life such a thrilling, beautiful and eventful experience. However, it also makes the lows, really low and the punches extremely painful. Yearning is somewhere in between a high and a low. It can be both high and low, and it can be neither.

Wanting a child, having the wish to become a mother is the negative kind of yearning when it cannot be achieved before the feeling of wanting motherhood turns into a yearning for motherhood. It is an irrational feeling for most of us. It comes from an egocentric place for all of us, which is understandable but irrational nevertheless. It is something you cannot turn off or ignore. Once you have it, it’s there like a constant companion or an itch you desperately need to scratch. The feeling becomes such a part of who you are that you become a different person, a person willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill that dream.

We also have a positive kind of yearning. The kind that gives you flutters in your belly. The feeling that grows from attraction to another person. That kind of yearning is tied up with lust and longing. While it aches, it is still a positive feeling. It gives you energy, makes you want to be better than you are. It makes you capable of a love that comes from a place of pure selflessness.

It is funny how one kind of yearning can lead to the fulfillment of the other.

Life’s dissapointments

This post is a little late, I’m aware. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. As most of you may have guessed by now, I am not pregnant. I was so ready, and secretly a little excited already as well.

It’s weird when I got my period I was so incredibly disappointed, but weirdly enough I got over that fairly quickly and got excited for the next time. I was somehow able to hold on to the hope and the feeling that this is my path and therefore it will happen. However, the disappointment was quickly replaced by a sense of loneliness and the feeling I have lost something. It’s weird; I haven’t felt this kind of loneliness and longing for something I’ve lost for a very long time.

But I’m working hard on trying again and getting the means to do so. I am going to be a mom, somehow! And you know what, I’m going to be a great one too!!

OMG… The suspense is killing me!

First of all, let me apologize for the ridiculous radio silence over the last few months. For some reason, I had a complete writers’ block this summer! The heat messed with my head I guess. I dunno…

I have an emotion to share with you guys and I hope you will feel the suspense as well. So, I did my first insemination 8 days ago. AAAAAAAGH! I’m so nervous about the result! I will do an entire post on the specifics of home inseminations, but for now, I just had to share my nervousness. I can’t wait until I can do the pregnancy test! I picked the 30th of October with my birth partner to make sure I get an accurate result. Seriously, guys, I can’t wait!

I wish I could put into words how badly I want this, how devastated I will be if it says I’m not pregnant, how I will hate the costs of the inseminations at that point. You see, I don’t have the money for a second try. So it will take me at least a year to save up such a huge amount. Sometimes I honestly believe life gives me whatever I need when I need it, but since I am not seeing any other viable options at this point, it’s really hard for me to keep the faith. 

But on the other hand, maybe I’m being unnecessarily pessimistic and maybe I am pregnant… I’m having sore boobs, a really awful feeling in my stomach, lost my appetite for my staple foods and have mood swings like a teenager in puberty. What do you guys think? Am I pregnant!? tell me in the comments…