Pulling my strings…

Dependency on another is upsetting and unsettling. It unwillingly grants the other more power than deserved.

Imagine that this other person holds the key to your happiness. It gives that person a kind of power that can be devastatingly painful when abused. You become a puppet while someone else is pulling the strings. The funny thing is this dependency also does something strange to one suddenly holding all that power. It morphs them into someone cruel, someone who enjoys pulling those strings and making you dance and beg and plead. It’s like a child pulling off a flies’ wings for sport. It is excruciatingly painful for the one who is unfortunate enough to be that flie.

So today, I am in pain. Today I’m such a desperate person willing to do almost anything to fulfill my wish. I can feel the desire to become a mom in my soul. It fills every fiber of my being and influances every decision I make. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check to see if I’m pregnant since my sleep is filled with dreams so vivid I sometimes have difficulty seeing them as such. And In my desperation and yearning for this beautiful future and blessing, someone is pulling my strings…

Yearning:

The word yearning, what does it mean? It is about wanting something badly. But if it were just that we would call the feeling “wanting” and not “yearning”. Yearning is wanting something so badly it hurts. It has to hurt to be worthy of the word.

Passionate people tend to experience yearning more frequently than others. Meaning, people who do everything they do with extreme emotions. When they are happy, they are not only happy, they are thrilled, ecstatic even and when they are sad or hurt, they are not only that, they are devastated. I am one of those people who’s highs in life are incredibly high, which is fantastic and makes life such a thrilling, beautiful and eventful experience. However, it also makes the lows, really low and the punches extremely painful. Yearning is somewhere in between a high and a low. It can be both high and low, and it can be neither.

Wanting a child, having the wish to become a mother is the negative kind of yearning when it cannot be achieved before the feeling of wanting motherhood turns into a yearning for motherhood. It is an irrational feeling for most of us. It comes from an egocentric place for all of us, which is understandable but irrational nevertheless. It is something you cannot turn off or ignore. Once you have it, it’s there like a constant companion or an itch you desperately need to scratch. The feeling becomes such a part of who you are that you become a different person, a person willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill that dream.

We also have a positive kind of yearning. The kind that gives you flutters in your belly. The feeling that grows from attraction to another person. That kind of yearning is tied up with lust and longing. While it aches, it is still a positive feeling. It gives you energy, makes you want to be better than you are. It makes you capable of a love that comes from a place of pure selflessness.

It is funny how one kind of yearning can lead to the fulfillment of the other.

Life’s dissapointments

This post is a little late, I’m aware. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. As most of you may have guessed by now, I am not pregnant. I was so ready, and secretly a little excited already as well.

It’s weird when I got my period I was so incredibly disappointed, but weirdly enough I got over that fairly quickly and got excited for the next time. I was somehow able to hold on to the hope and the feeling that this is my path and therefore it will happen. However, the disappointment was quickly replaced by a sense of loneliness and the feeling I have lost something. It’s weird; I haven’t felt this kind of loneliness and longing for something I’ve lost for a very long time.

But I’m working hard on trying again and getting the means to do so. I am going to be a mom, somehow! And you know what, I’m going to be a great one too!!

OMG… The suspense is killing me!

First of all, let me apologize for the ridiculous radio silence over the last few months. For some reason, I had a complete writers’ block this summer! The heat messed with my head I guess. I dunno…

I have an emotion to share with you guys and I hope you will feel the suspense as well. So, I did my first insemination 8 days ago. AAAAAAAGH! I’m so nervous about the result! I will do an entire post on the specifics of home inseminations, but for now, I just had to share my nervousness. I can’t wait until I can do the pregnancy test! I picked the 30th of October with my birth partner to make sure I get an accurate result. Seriously, guys, I can’t wait!

I wish I could put into words how badly I want this, how devastated I will be if it says I’m not pregnant, how I will hate the costs of the inseminations at that point. You see, I don’t have the money for a second try. So it will take me at least a year to save up such a huge amount. Sometimes I honestly believe life gives me whatever I need when I need it, but since I am not seeing any other viable options at this point, it’s really hard for me to keep the faith. 

But on the other hand, maybe I’m being unnecessarily pessimistic and maybe I am pregnant… I’m having sore boobs, a really awful feeling in my stomach, lost my appetite for my staple foods and have mood swings like a teenager in puberty. What do you guys think? Am I pregnant!? tell me in the comments…

The bold type

Starting next month, I want to make you all part of my journey towards motherhood. So, to start off with, I would like to introduce you to the outrageous person that is me.

 

“You are not your mother, your father, your history, or cultural influences. 

you are uniquely and originally you.

Be bold and daring and fearless and unconventional.

Be willing to use your voice in service of your soul.

Go on. Rock that damn boat

The wave you create might just change the world…”

~ Cheryl Richardson

 

I don’t think I have to tell you my name since it’s splattered all over this blog but to be sure, my name is Aura. I live in the Netherlands in a beautiful two bedroom, wheelchair accessible home with my service dog Aki. I am currently 23 years old and live by the idea that my wheelchair should adapt to my life and not the other way around. So I tend to make choices that are regarded as bold. With my service dog, I chose a breed that has never been used for this purpose before. When I moved out of my parent’s house, I decided to go live somewhere far away from my parents. Living on my own I chose to live a vegan lifestyle. Some of you may wonder if I’m just being difficult for the sake of it. To answer your silent question: no I most certainly am not! I love my life. I am aware it isn’t the path of least resistance. It is the path with the highest reward. I try to live every day in such a way that I never have regrets. Everything I do, I go for with everything I have, win or lose I will know I fought my hardest to reach those lofty goals.

Huge dreams, the long shot, I always go for the long shot. I mean the bigger the risk the higher the rewards, right? So, here we go. On the road to my biggest dream ever, the hardest road I ever traveled, the road to motherhood… And yes, you figured that out perfectly, I am single. So, I choose to become a single mother. I will be a single mother by choice. 

This choice was definitely not made overnight. It took me years, first I had a hard time letting go of the dream of the so-called “perfect family”. The idea formed because I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything when I finally found what I wanted to do with my life. So I passionately started dating, desperately trying to find a partner to form that “perfect family” with. As you might guess, that didn’t work out so well. Lots of heartache later, I decided I didn’t want to be depended on anyone for my happiness. I tried adoption, called the local adoption agency and was discouraged in such an extremely negative way because of my age, single status and the wheelchair, which they were really negative about. I knew that convincing them I can be a good parent would be more than a long shot, It would be impossible. So, I decided this country isn’t ready for a single wheelchair using adopting mother and figured I could do foster-care…

However, I wanted a baby, an infant. Again with the long shot, right? Like with all the choices I make there’s an elaborate reasoning behind it. Single parenthood is hard. It is hard for everyone, almost impossibly hard for someone like me. So I figured a baby is born at a certain stage in its development for a reason, not only for the baby and the delivery but also to give the parents a doable learning curve in how to parent. In my opinion, I need that learning curve physically and emotionally more than anyone. And there’s another reason for the desire to get an infant in foster-care, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle raising more than one child. So, If I’m only going to do this once I want the full journey. But I also really wanted to help a child. In my mind, there are already so many children without parents, the least I could do is give one a loving home. So, I went to the first mandatory meeting, I went by myself (and Aki of course) and people stared at me like I was an animal in a zoo. The hosts working for the agency treated me like I was a child with a cute infatuation. Because of all the research, I did (I have a slight obsession with being prepared) they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Even though I knew they weren’t taking me seriously,  they handed me the forms I needed to fill out at the end of the evening and I left. Excited as I was I filled in the forms the next morning and mailed them. My excitement was short-lived as I a person working for the foster-care agency called me to discuss my application. She said she saw I wanted an infant and that I was using a wheelchair in my daily life, she also said her colleague told her I am “severely disabled” so they were having a hard time with my application. I told her I don’t regard myself as being severely disabled and that she was being unfairly judgemental because she hadn’t even met me yet. The entire conversation was based on a huge prejudice but we decided to continue the discussion further at a later time and I ended the call. To make a long story short, the entire thing became a fight about me, about me right to become a parent, about their prejudices about my abilities. We lost sight of the most important thing, the child. So, a few weeks later when I decided to move house because I and my future child would have better living conditions and I had to start the process all over again with a different agency I chose to go a different route.

I had been playing with this idea for a while, complaining to my best friend that no government agency would question my ability to parent if I just got pregnant, she said: “you don’t need a guy to get pregnant.” and something just clicked. I had researched pregnancy before and it always got my adrenaline pumping. Also when I researched parenting styles and came to The Continuum Concept, everything fell into place for me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to do parenthood the most natural minimalistic way. Breastfeeding, babywearing, elimination communication ánd a home birth. 

 

“Birth is not only about making babies.

Birth is about making mothers;

strong competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”

~ Barbara Katz Rothman

 

So, to conclude, I have decided I want to be a vegan, continuum concept, single wheelchair using mom by choice by a non-anonymous donor. And even though lots of people question my choices on this matter I’m determined to do it. I am sure that I can do it, without a doubt.

I am a woman of the bold type! Welcome to my journey…

 

“To me, freedom means having the power,

the inherent right,

the capacity and the ability to make choices that honor who I am.”

~ Iyanla Vanzant

 

A peek behind the curtains…

People often have a misconception on why life in a wheelchair is so hard sometimes (read: most of the time). Usually, it’s not because being in a wheelchair is hard… 95% of the time it’s because of all the hassle we have to go through to have a fun and fulfilling life.

Yesterday was a fun day! A happy day, we had a birthday party at my best friends’ house. I can hear everyone thinking ”what is she going on about, the only thing she had to do that day was a birthday party, that isn’t so difficult is it?’ Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but unfortunately, life just isn’t that simple when you’re me…

The day before I had lots of errands to run, so my body needed every bit of rest I could give it. Which meant I spent all morning in bed and got up around noon, I called for assistance with showering and getting dressed. Unfortunately, they were busy, so I had to wait for 20 minutes or so. By the time I was dressed and had done my hair it was 1:30 pm. So I went out to take Aki for a walk. By the way, did you notice I didn’t mention breakfast anywhere? Well, that’s because I time flies and I didn’t have time. While outside I ran into a friend, so the walk took a little longer than planned. On my way home I went to the bookstore to buy a birthday present…

The bookstore is small, and the isles are narrow it is hard for me to maneuver through it with my chair. But I won’t let that stop me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to shop anywhere. So I find the book I’m looking for and go to the counter to pay for it, but the counter is so high I can’t even reach it! So I tell the lady standing behind the impossibly high counter ”this thing sure isn’t made for midgets!” she looks at me like ”WTF?” and takes the book from my hands. I tell her I don’t want to pay cash when she asks, and I can see her wondering how she’s going to fix this because the pin machine is so damn high, so like they always do in severely inaccessible places like this she pulls on the machine like crazy wishing the cord was just a few centimeters longer… I look at her with a crooked smile on my face and tell her I’ll manage. So I reach for the machine, put my card on top. Fortunately, I don’t have to spend 10 minutes trying to get my card to fit in that tiny opening in the front, thank God for technology! Anyway, after my card connected, I needed to punch in my code without being able to see the buttons because they were so freaking high. Finally having paid for my purchase, the lady behind the counter was kind enough to bring the books to me in person instead of reaching over that giant counter.

By the time I came home, I was tired but still hadn’t had any breakfast, so I called for assistance. Like the lucky person that I am I had to wait for another 30 minutes for help because they were extremely busy. I’m not the kind of person that then sits around waiting for 30 minutes, in the meantime, I gave Aki his lunch, booted my MacBook to see what time I needed to take the train and logged in to book the assistance I need to get in and out of the train since Dutch trains still are not wheelchair accessible. I mean seriously, the 1990’s just called, they want their trains back. Anyway, I fixed that, and while I was busy, the woman who’d be assisting me came in and asked for instruction. I told her what quick very late breakfast to make me and went on preparing my trip to my friends’ birthday party. The taxi I decided to book for the journey home I booked for 2 minutes after midnight because it was a few euros cheaper if I did so, yes, crazy I’m aware!

Before I called for assistance, yet again, I Facetimed my mom real quick to let her know I’d be at my friends’ house, because my mom worries a lot. After changing clothes…

I had to hurry up like a mad person to be able to catch that train, but we did. Arriving at the station, I even had a few minutes to spare, and by the grace of God, the person who has to help me get on the train was there as well. Because 80% of the time they are not and then there’s even more hassle, but apparently I was lucky that day.

After I arrived at The Hague Central station, I had to take a bus to get to my friends’ house. After having waited for 20 minutes, the bus arrived, and when I saw a female bus driver who wasn’t looking all that happy, I knew she was going to make some issue about my wheelchair on her bus. She did. She made a whole point about me not being allowed on her bus if I wasn’t going to be strapped in like I made an issue about it, which I didn’t. So everyone on the bus was looking at me… Strangers started to touch me trying to get me strapped in because that bus driver couldn’t even make an effort to do it herself. Anyway, after lots of fussing, they got me strapped in, I couldn’t see which stop we were at or where we were going in that position, but I tried my hardest not to get annoyed until some concerned citizen kept asking me a hundred question in a very degrading way about where I was headed and explaining how public transport works. I tried to tell her I go with public means of transportation all the time, but she just wouldn’t listen to a word I said. To make matters worse, she asked me if I am blind…

So I got out of the bus and had to walk 5 minutes or so to the party. On my way there the sidewalk was blocked by a street light in the middle. So I had to go on the road in the dark until I reached an accessible path. Dangerous of course, but it happens all the time. The people planning these pavements don’t seem to have a logic bone in their body.

Anyway… The party was fun! Amazing, kind, gentle and caring people. I stayed until my taxi came at midnight and brought me home. Once I was home an hour later, you’d think I wanted to go straight to bed. You’re right. I did. But I had to wait another 20 minutes for assistance to get ready for bed.

As you can see just a birthday party is never just a party for me… As you can see the wheelchair is not the issue here. It’s the rest of the hassle that comes with it, so this is precisely the reason why being in a wheelchair is so damn tiring and hard sometimes!