Baby fever!

What makes a person want to become a parent? Are we born with the urge to reproduce or do we have some control over it? Is it different for men than it is for women? Why do some people get “baby fever” while others are perfectly fine without ever having children?

While these questions are certainly interesting, I wouldn’t want to speculate by answering them. Some women will have difficulty articulating why they want to become a parent. “I’ve wanted children forever.” is something many of us say when asked why we want children. The idea of not having children is so foreign to the people that give that answer. They believe their life would be empty, always having a void to fill without children. One thing is for sure, that does not apply to me. As a little girl, I would always say I didn’t want to be a parent. I always thought I wouldn’t be a good mother. I didn’t want any children and I persistently held on to that opinion until I moved out of my parents’ house about 5 years ago. 

If someone were to ask me now, why I so desperately want to be a mom, and why I am so sure being a single parent is what I want to do, I have to give multiple reasons. Some big, some small, but all those reasons play a part in every aspect and layer of this decision. About 99% of the choice is for the reason that I want to educate and influence the next generation, I want to transfer and continue my view on this world. I want my child(ren) to make this world a better place like I try to do every day. I want to teach them morals and respect in the way I see it. The other 1% of the decision is because I want to show everyone there is another way of parenting. And that I, a wheelchair using 23 year old can do it. I can take care of a child. I can do it. I can be a great, awesome, loving parent.

Honestly, I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I am ready and I can do it like I do everything else I’m passionate about in this life I will give parenthood 200% of me. I will give it my all and like all the other passionate decisions I made, I will be great at it. It will be hard, it will be tiring and it will be challenging, I am absolutely sure I will have to push myself mentally and emotionally but it will be worth it. It will be the best and worst time of my life and I will love it. I am ready!

Because my life looks a little different than most single parent life’s I wanted to document and share my experiences to give people an insight in a different way of life and broaden people’s perspective on what I am capable of. So please, enjoy this journey with me. I can promise you it will never be boring! until next time!   ~ Aura

Labels are the opposite of understanding!

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago which reminded me of some frustrating points in the current general opinion.

In this day and age, sex seems to be very important for almost everyone, whether you are young, or old consciously or unconsciously most of us have strong opinions about sexuality. We think we have it all figured out. Society has created these perfect boxes, a typical mold in which every group of people gets their own and should fit in there perfectly. Why is that? Why are people so damn scared of anything or anyone that is different? Why do we feel this incredible urge to label people in the first place? Why is it important what label we can stick to a person? Homosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual, heterosexual.. why can’t we all be sexual beings? Why can’t we evolve to accept that we fall in love not based on gender but based on beauty, personality, physical attraction and emotional connection?

I, myself have a strong preference for men and may never have a relationship with a woman, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t. Does this make me any less bisexual or any more heterosexual? I wouldn’t know. I think it makes me human. Because I am aware I could fall in love with a woman and am sometimes attracted to a woman should I know define myself as bisexual? Am I suddenly a different person? No, I’m still the same person. I’ve always known we are all bisexual in some way, most of us won’t even entertain the possibility and therefore shut it out, living half blind. Because I chose to accept it and consider the possibility am I now a completely different “kind” of human? And furthermore, because I know decide to speak up and broadcast my opinions and preferences does that suddenly make me bisexual? Why define it in the first place? Why does it even matter?

Let’s break the mold and stop trying to fit everyone into one. We are who we are, and no one is the same as either you or me, so how can we expect people to fit into a mold when we are all such unique beings!?

My savior

So, let’s talk Aki, my hero in so many ways. He saved my life in so many ways I thought it was time to share my love and appreciation for this incredible soul that I am blessed to share every aspect of my life with.

About 5 years ago, I was in a dark place. I was bullied by classmates, best friends and people who I was supposed to be able to depend on. I’m not a person that is affected by name calling or physical bullying and abuse but I am a very social person, and I thrive on sociality. Bullies figure out where they can hit you the hardest pretty quickly, so when the name calling and physical bullying was not getting the expected results, they decided to just ignore me. They made most of my time in high school a living nightmare. It was like I was contagious. People only spoke to me out of obligation. I didn’t have any friends or anyone that enjoyed my company. I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. So you can probably understand I was so happy when I graduated high school and could finally leave that place behind me, or at least that’s what I thought. Unfortunately, it was not that easy. Spending a few years in so much mental and emotional pain had taken its toll. Life was a little better, I had some social contacts studying law, but I still felt super lonely and never felt like I belonged. To be brutally honest, I was so depressed I couldn’t see a way out anymore.

Little did I know that seeing a movie would change all of that. I saw the movie Hachiko on tv with my parents, and I was hooked. That dog would’ve gone through fire for his owner, he loved him no matter what. The moment I saw that movie, I knew exactly what I needed; I needed an Akita, to train, to cherish, to spend my life with! However, my parents weren’t the type of people to just by a dog. They didn’t want a pet in the house, not a dog anyway. They perceived dogs as being annoying and badly-behaved, so I did all the research I could possibly find on training, the breed, and bonding. With all that information I went to my parents to make my case, they said no at first, but after lots of discussions, they agreed to buy me an Akita after all. While looking for breeders, I found one not so far from our family home and went for a visit. It seemed like a good fit from my perspective even though they were slightly hesitant because of me being in a wheelchair. But in the end, it didn’t matter.

I got to choose from 5 puppies, which was so hard, I went to visit them every week, held every single one of them. Because I knew I wanted male there were three left for me to chose from. One of them wasn’t for me at all, I knew that rather quickly, but the choice between the last two was a little hard. In the end, I have to say Aki chose me, and I couldn’t have made a better choice, he was so calm and content all the time, just what I needed.

The first few weeks were hard, he was happy spending his life with me, but physically he was not doing so well. He was sick all the time. I knew something was wrong and in the end that gut feeling I had turned out to be correct. After I got him treated and listened to my instincts more, he started thriving, pushing me and enjoying life to the fullest. He thought me what pure happiness looks like. To not worry about the past or the future but just living in the moment and enjoying that. His love for me despite my flaws and imperfections helped me to find the confidence that I lost. He showed me I didn’t need to change for people to like me if they didn’t that know was and is their issue.

He also paved the road to a vegan lifestyle for me. After getting to know him better than I knew myself, I understood that he had such an amazing personality and wasn’t and still isn’t any less worthy then we humans are. So then the question arose: If he is my equal, why aren’t all those other animals that are being slaughtered for my food? After that, I couldn’t come up with a justifiable answer to continue consuming animal products. Human, animal, tree we are not the same, but we are equal.

Aki thaught me that and I am forever grateful that he made me let go of my ego, my shallowness, my prejudice and taught me compassion and empathy instead. It has made me a better person, he has made me a better person. Now I am proud of who I have become and am excited to see what the future holds for the both of us…

Pain, the slain dragon (2)

A few weeks ago I faced my biggest challenge yet. The surgery that has changed my life in more ways than I could ever imagine.

It was one hell of a fight; sometimes the pain would be so severe all I could feel was my mind entering this black hole. At that point, there was no past or future, just pain. Only pain. It reached into every corner of my mind, turning off all the lights one by one. Just before I lost my mind and all the lights were gone, I found a way, some small crack in the darkness to fight back and be the master of my pain.

The days in the hospital were hard, tedious and extremely painful. I kept getting sick and vomited for days. It made me weak and unable to heal. My body was fighting to repair the damage done to its sacred self. My heart rate was very high for days, and so was my temperature. My body was craving nutrients, but I couldn’t keep anything down. I found out the painkillers were what made me sick, so I stopped taking them. During those days I found the corners of my mind. The edges I never needed to visit before. Although the pain was excruciating, I could feel my body recover. I managed to keep some food down. I was craving my whole foods plant-based diet. But couldn’t muster the strength to fight for it. The hospital did provide me with vegan meals, which I am very grateful for. But it just wasn’t the same. I craved my fruits and at the same time didn’t have the strength or energy to eat much.

After a while, the doctors found me a painkiller that didn’t make me sick. So the day before going home I could finally leave the four walls of my room to go for a walk around the hospital. It was so wonderful to take Aki, my service dog for a walk. He supported me every single minute I needed it. He never once complained although it must’ve been hard for him to spend day after day confined in such a small space. He helped me deal with the pain; he cheered me up when I needed it and brought me peace when I felt overwhelmed.

Discharged from the hospital, I spend some time with my parents. I needed to, I was in too much pain to be able to go home and take care of myself. I couldn’t even sit in my wheelchair for an hour. The first few days were great, having my mother take care of me like that. We all know the feeling when life sucks, and you’re sick and feeling sorry for yourself you crave motherlove. However, after a while, I was longing for my own personal space as well. I mean, I was feeling better every day, and the house was getting a little crowded since my sister was also staying there with her awesome son. I mean I love the little guy to pieces but I needed everything I had in me for my recovery and to then also have a two-year-old running around was just way too much. At some point, I could feel myself losing it a little bit, that is when I knew it was time for me to go home. I needed my own space. Unfortunately, I needed my mom to help me get settled back in, and she was swamped for a few days, so I had to wait. Waiting is not my strongest suit…

Those last few days of waiting were hard, I was mentally exhausted and very emotional because of the exhaustion. At night, when everyone was in bed, I would text with my best friend and just cry silently of exhaustion, unhappiness, and sadness. I reached my breaking point, and there was nothing else to do but hold on and hope life would get better soon.

So now I’m home. Been home for a few weeks now. It was and still is so good to be in my own home again. It does come with its own struggles, I mean I can’t wait for my recovery to go faster. I want my life back, I am so damn tired all the time it’s hard for me to even make food and eat it sometimes. But let’s be honest here, there are good days, and there are bad days. I do have some days where I almost feel like myself again. Like I can take on the world (read: finally get pregnant). But those are not most days. I still have a long road ahead. But I am grateful and determined to make the most of this extraordinary opportunity I have been given by this fantastic surgeon who has changed my life in more ways than I can count.

Pain, the constant companion (1)

Pain is a strange thing. Sometimes welcome, sometimes unwelcome. Pain can be a friend and an enemy at the same time. After spending so much time with this enemy, it can become a safe haven. Sometimes you even look forward to this enemy’s personal brand of torture.

Tomorrow after years of pain, physical pain, a pain I’ve gotten to know so well, who’s been my constant enemy sometimes disguised as a friend I embark on a new journey. A journey without this enemy pulling my strings at every turn. I will face off with him in the upcoming weeks. He will push my buttons like never before, he will show me his true colors. But I am strong, and I won’t back down. I will teach my enemy that I will no longer allow him to dictate my life and my actions. From this day forward I will be free. It will be an arduous journey, but it is one I embark on with my head held high. Secure in the knowledge that I will survive.

In the upcoming years, I will always appreciate everything my constant companion has taught me and I will sometimes let this companion visit me when I want him to, for old times sake in the disguise of a friend. However, he will never have a voice again. He will be mute and always in disguise because I don’t want to see his true identity again, not now, not ever!

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A peek behind the curtains…

People often have a misconception on why life in a wheelchair is so hard sometimes (read: most of the time). Usually, it’s not because being in a wheelchair is hard… 95% of the time it’s because of all the hassle we have to go through to have a fun and fulfilling life.

Yesterday was a fun day! A happy day, we had a birthday party at my best friends’ house. I can hear everyone thinking ”what is she going on about, the only thing she had to do that day was a birthday party, that isn’t so difficult is it?’ Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but unfortunately, life just isn’t that simple when you’re me…

The day before I had lots of errands to run, so my body needed every bit of rest I could give it. Which meant I spent all morning in bed and got up around noon, I called for assistance with showering and getting dressed. Unfortunately, they were busy, so I had to wait for 20 minutes or so. By the time I was dressed and had done my hair it was 1:30 pm. So I went out to take Aki for a walk. By the way, did you notice I didn’t mention breakfast anywhere? Well, that’s because I time flies and I didn’t have time. While outside I ran into a friend, so the walk took a little longer than planned. On my way home I went to the bookstore to buy a birthday present…

The bookstore is small, and the isles are narrow it is hard for me to maneuver through it with my chair. But I won’t let that stop me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to shop anywhere. So I find the book I’m looking for and go to the counter to pay for it, but the counter is so high I can’t even reach it! So I tell the lady standing behind the impossibly high counter ”this thing sure isn’t made for midgets!” she looks at me like ”WTF?” and takes the book from my hands. I tell her I don’t want to pay cash when she asks, and I can see her wondering how she’s going to fix this because the pin machine is so damn high, so like they always do in severely inaccessible places like this she pulls on the machine like crazy wishing the cord was just a few centimeters longer… I look at her with a crooked smile on my face and tell her I’ll manage. So I reach for the machine, put my card on top. Fortunately, I don’t have to spend 10 minutes trying to get my card to fit in that tiny opening in the front, thank God for technology! Anyway, after my card connected, I needed to punch in my code without being able to see the buttons because they were so freaking high. Finally having paid for my purchase, the lady behind the counter was kind enough to bring the books to me in person instead of reaching over that giant counter.

By the time I came home, I was tired but still hadn’t had any breakfast, so I called for assistance. Like the lucky person that I am I had to wait for another 30 minutes for help because they were extremely busy. I’m not the kind of person that then sits around waiting for 30 minutes, in the meantime, I gave Aki his lunch, booted my MacBook to see what time I needed to take the train and logged in to book the assistance I need to get in and out of the train since Dutch trains still are not wheelchair accessible. I mean seriously, the 1990’s just called, they want their trains back. Anyway, I fixed that, and while I was busy, the woman who’d be assisting me came in and asked for instruction. I told her what quick very late breakfast to make me and went on preparing my trip to my friends’ birthday party. The taxi I decided to book for the journey home I booked for 2 minutes after midnight because it was a few euros cheaper if I did so, yes, crazy I’m aware!

Before I called for assistance, yet again, I Facetimed my mom real quick to let her know I’d be at my friends’ house, because my mom worries a lot. After changing clothes…

I had to hurry up like a mad person to be able to catch that train, but we did. Arriving at the station, I even had a few minutes to spare, and by the grace of God, the person who has to help me get on the train was there as well. Because 80% of the time they are not and then there’s even more hassle, but apparently I was lucky that day.

After I arrived at The Hague Central station, I had to take a bus to get to my friends’ house. After having waited for 20 minutes, the bus arrived, and when I saw a female bus driver who wasn’t looking all that happy, I knew she was going to make some issue about my wheelchair on her bus. She did. She made a whole point about me not being allowed on her bus if I wasn’t going to be strapped in like I made an issue about it, which I didn’t. So everyone on the bus was looking at me… Strangers started to touch me trying to get me strapped in because that bus driver couldn’t even make an effort to do it herself. Anyway, after lots of fussing, they got me strapped in, I couldn’t see which stop we were at or where we were going in that position, but I tried my hardest not to get annoyed until some concerned citizen kept asking me a hundred question in a very degrading way about where I was headed and explaining how public transport works. I tried to tell her I go with public means of transportation all the time, but she just wouldn’t listen to a word I said. To make matters worse, she asked me if I am blind…

So I got out of the bus and had to walk 5 minutes or so to the party. On my way there the sidewalk was blocked by a street light in the middle. So I had to go on the road in the dark until I reached an accessible path. Dangerous of course, but it happens all the time. The people planning these pavements don’t seem to have a logic bone in their body.

Anyway… The party was fun! Amazing, kind, gentle and caring people. I stayed until my taxi came at midnight and brought me home. Once I was home an hour later, you’d think I wanted to go straight to bed. You’re right. I did. But I had to wait another 20 minutes for assistance to get ready for bed.

As you can see just a birthday party is never just a party for me… As you can see the wheelchair is not the issue here. It’s the rest of the hassle that comes with it, so this is precisely the reason why being in a wheelchair is so damn tiring and hard sometimes!

When love leaves…

A few months ago I had the privilege to meet someone who made my heart beat faster from the moment he walked into the room. For a while, we “found a park bench that fit us perfectly.” We had fun, we learned from each other and thrived in each others company.

When I met the guy in question, I was in an inpatient phase in my life. I was perfectly happy being single but couldn’t wait to start the next period of my life. I felt like life was passing me by, and I lost control over my own future. In my head, my control over life slipped through my fingers like sand on a beach. I started on a journey to become a single mother by choice. I do not want to be depended on the possibility of a relationship to be happy or live the life I want. So, I would’ve been happy staying single for the rest of my life.

I am aware this sounds a little strange to some people but I try to be realistic in every aspect of my life, and I am aware I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. Aside from the fact that I am as crippled as they come, I am also headstrong, vegan, eco-friendly, zero-waster and I have a well of information in my head that causes me to come across as a know-it-all. It’s hard for everyone to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with, but I choose to make it even more difficult, I don’t do this on purpose of course. I tend to prefer the path that makes me happy regardless of how hard that path might be.

Even though I was and still am such a happy single, I keep my options open every day and explore every possibility of meeting that person to spend my life with, regardless of their gender, age or sexual orientation. So I met someone. From the moment I first saw him till the moment, he walked out of my life he made my heart beat faster. When we started dating, he didn’t know what he wanted from life, so I went into the relationship with a completely open mind and without expectations. The only thing I wanted from our time together was to make him happy in every aspect I could, and that may sound desperate or too selfless, but in my opinion, a person can only give love and happiness when they are receiving love and are happy. I started dating this mystery man with the belief and knowledge that if I held on to him and tried to pull him towards me, I would only lose him. The pulling and wanting and needing someone isn’t love, it is just attachment. Like sand, the harder you are trying to hold on to it the more you will lose. But when you cradle and nourish it, then you won’t lose it.

Last week “he” decided he wanted to break up because he still hadn’t figured out what he wanted but he did figure out it wasn’t me. You might think that hurt since I was so invested,  loved every second I spent with him and gave it my all but it didn’t! I wasn’t sad or angry when he told me. I only thought it was unfortunate and didn’t like the way he did it over text but striving to be a complete empath I could understand why he did it that way. Like he said himself I am too strong a person for him to be able to tell me such a thing in person. The reasons I have no negative emotions about our breakup is because the time we did spend together was beautiful and like I said earlier I want him to be happy, if that is without me, then that’s fine too.

jessie-j-queen-lyrics-tgjOf course, he was not the only one that gained something from this hot burning relationship. He taught me so much about myself and self-respect and self-love. They say a look says more than a thousand words, it most definitely did in this case, he showed me I am not only beautiful but attractive and sexy as well. Not only when I put a lot of effort into looking my best, but even when you are at your most vulnerable or just your average self. I can hear some of you readers wondering from a mile away, “but you’re in a wheelchair, how does the sex thing work in a relationship?” Didn’t your parents ever teach you? All joking aside, we can have sex, just like any other person and yes, it is just as amazing.

Now, after this beautiful hot flame has burned itself out, I am once again happy being single. I love being alone and making unilateral decisions. My life is no democracy. I am enjoying this time to take care of myself, physically and emotionally and I am still planning to become a single mother by choice. However, at the same time, I’m still open to dating, meeting someone to spend my life with and have children with someone.

There’s a poem by Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye that fits this blog post perfectly. Please listen closely…

 

“Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to
And love leaves exactly when love must…”

Decisions, decisions…

Voor Nederlands zie de vertaling onder aan de pagina.

Today a question arose which has caused lots of issues in my life over the last few years. But before today I didn’t dare to face the problem in my life that is pointed out by the question.

How is a person supposed to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives when they are in their teens? I was 17 when I started studying law. I was confident that was the right choice. I knew what I wanted to specialize in and why. I was the kind of person who had their whole life mapped out. I was going to study law, graduate Suma cum laude, work at a prestigious law firm specialized in corporate law and become rich and powerful. Saying this now I feel ridiculous, but I had a good reason for such a huge goal… Being differently abled and a wheelchair user I am and feel treated as worthless and stupid or underdeveloped. My opinion often is interpreted as ill-founded or not relevant, which is why I wanted to become rich and powerful professionally because I believed then people would finally see me for what I was and treat me as a valued, worthy and intelligent person. I was sure that was the way to make people treat me respectfully. After two years of studying, I had to quit because I had Pfeiffer decease and failed too many exams. Which sucked of course but I wasn’t going to let that stop me! So I decided I was going to study international law in The Hague. I was still confident I wanted to study law, but I didn’t want to do the same program because I knew that would demotivate me even more. So I started in the Hague ready to kick ass; however, a month into the program I realized the traveling was taking its toll on Aki, my service dog and me. The only solution I saw was to move house, which meant moving out of my parents’ house. That decision has changed my life and personality in such an extreme way I never could’ve foreseen.

Because I moved so far away from everyone, I was depended entirely on my self. Being so alone gave me the time, space and opportunity to develop my way of life, my opinions and morals. Listening to the quiet of being alone is such a valuable lesson in life. It gives you the possibility to look in the mirror and evaluate your life.

I always was an eco-friendly person. I always believed in the natural way of things, but when I was on my own without so many influences of others, all those interests were magnified and morphed into a strong desire to become entirely in tune with mother nature which also morphed in a firm belief in empathy and strive to achieve complete empathy. If you look at yourself in such a naked way and start to believe in the natural way of life in such an absolute way you have to learn to love yourself for who you are as well. In the last three years of living alone, I gained confidence and love myself on the inside and out. Because of the increase in self-confidence, I could finally see that my goal of becoming rich and powerful had nothing to do with my dreams but had everything to do with how I perceived myself because I believed I needed the approval of others. Once I let go of that need, I lost my reasons to study law.

So I think there’s something wrong with the system. Making a teenager choose what they want to do with the rest of their life is insane. I made that choice, and I made the right one at that time but the wrong one for who I am today and now I will be drowning in student loans for the next 15 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can we know who we are when we haven’t even lived yet?

 

Translation/vertaling:

Vandaag hield een vraag mij bezig die al jaren voor veel problemen in mijn leven zorgt, maar voor vandaag durfde ik het achterliggende probleem niet onder ogen te komen.

Hoe moet een tiener op zo een jonge leeftijd beslissen wat ze met de rest van hun leven willen doen? Ik was 17 toen ik begon aan mijn studie Rechten. Ik was er volledig van overtuigd dat ik advocaat wilden worden. Ik wist precies in welk vakgebied ik mezelf wilde specialiseren en waarom. Ik was het soort persoon dat haar hele leven al voor zichzelf uitgestippeld had. Ik zou Rechten studeren, daarna rechtsgeleerdheid aan een universiteit, Suma Cum Laude afstuderen en bij een hoog aangeschreven advocatenkantoor gaan werken specialiserend in bedrijfsrecht waar ik macht en rijkdom mee zou vergaren. Nu realiseer ik me hoe belachelijk dat plan was, maar ik had een goede reden voor die hoge lat… Als rolstoelgebruiker zijnde word ik vaak gezien als minder waard, dom of onbelangrijk en dat was precies de reden voor mijn droom naar rijkdom en status, ik geloofde dat mensen mij dan eindelijk voor vol zouden aanzien omdat ze er dan niet meer omheen konden, die status zou mijn manier worden van respect afdwingen. Na twee jaar Rechten studeren moest ik stoppen omdat ik de Ziekte van Pfeiffer kreeg en daardoor zakte voor teveel tentamens. Dat was natuurlijk balen maar dat zou mij niet stoppen die droom te verwezenlijken! Dus besloot ik International and European Law te gaan doen aan de Haagse Hogeschool omdat ik niet twee keer dezelfde opleiding wilde doen, dat zou alleen maar demotiverend werken maar ik was er nog steeds wel van overtuigd dat ik rechten wilde studeren. Dus begon ik in Den Haag vol goede moed klaar om dat klusje te klaren; na een maand begon ik me te realiseren dat het heen en weer reizen te zwaar werd en ook zijn tol begon te eisen bij Aki, mijn assistentiehond.

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De enige oplossing die ik zag was verhuizen, dat betekende dus voor het eerst op mezelf wonen. Dat besluit heeft mijn leven en persoonlijkheid op zo een drastische wijze veranderd, dat had ik absoluut niet zien aankomen.

Omdat ik zo ver van al mijn bekende ging wonen, was ik vanaf dat moment volledig op mezelf aangewezen. Het alleen zijn gaf me de tijd, ruimte en mogelijkheid om mijn eigen levenswijze, meningen en normen en waarden te ontwikkelen. Luisteren naar de stilte in het alleen zijn is volgens mij een belangrijke les in het leven. Het geeft je de mogelijkheid om in de spiegel te kijken en je leven te evalueren.

Ik was altijd al een ecologisch ingesteld persoon. Ik geloofde altijd al in dingen op de natuurlijke wijze doen, maar toen ik eenmaal alleen was zonder al die invloeden van anderen zijn die intresses vergroot en vervormd in een sterk verlangen om helemaal in evenwicht te komen met moedernatuur, dat vervormde zich weer naar een sterk geloof in empatie en een streven naar het bereiken van complete empatie.

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Als je op zo een naakte manier naar jezelf kijkt en begint te geloven in de natuurlijke gang van het leven op een absolute manier dan moet je ook leren om van jezelf te houden voor wie je bent. In de laatste 3 jaar van op mezelf wonen, ben ik gegroeid in zelfvertrouwen en kan ik nu zeggen dat ik van mezelf hou voor wie ik ben, van binnen en van buiten. Door het verkrijgen van meer zelfvertrouwen kon ik eindelijk zien dat mijn droom naar rijkdom, status en macht niks te maken had met mijn dromen maar alles te maken had met de manier waarop ik mezelf zag omdat ik dacht dat ik de goedkeuring van andere nodig had. Toen ik die gedachtegang losliet verloor ik dus ook mijn redenen om Rechten te gaan studeren.

Dus denk ik dat er iets mis is met het systeem. Tieners dwingen om op die leeftijd te kiezen wat ze willen doen met de rest van hun lezen is gestoord. Ik heb die keus gemaakt en op dat moment was dat de juiste keuze maar het is de verkeerde keuze voor wie ik nu ben en nu verdrink ik voor de komende 15 jaar in studieschulden.

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Hoe kunnen we weten wie we zijn als we nog niet eens geleefd hebben?